


My Thoughts Are No Place For You

by Ghaughty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fear of Abandonment, Flashbacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Siblings, Telepathy, Understanding Magnus, scared Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:33:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 41,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6220222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghaughty/pseuds/Ghaughty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood has hapnophobia: the fear of touch. This makes the thought of finding his soulmate a little terrifying. Unfortunately for him Magnus Bane can't be ignored, but luckily his siblings and their bondmates are there to back him up. Magnus is understanding of Alec's quirks, mainly because he has a few quirks himself...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Alec goes out with his siblings and their bondmates, he doesn't expect to go home bonded himself...

It happened on a Friday night. Alec was the designated driver, so it was also his job to keep his friends and siblings out of trouble. Tonight it was especially hard, with Jace deciding to mix things up and Clary joining in, and Izzy and Simon were all but actually doing the deed in their corner booth, making a scene that Alec didn’t especially want to witness but was equally uncomfortable about having to actually break up.

“Sorry!” Jace was laughing, one drink still in his hand and miraculously not spilling everywhere as he tried to right himself.

“Watch your step, darling, this coat is designer.”

It was the accent that struck Alec first. It was odd, not one he recalled ever hearing before, but one that seemed familiar anyway. It felt rather homey, which should have been his first clue because that was a thought that Alec would never have. But somehow it was that accented voice that helped him to gather his courage and go over to his adopted brother, intending to make a few apologies of his own and a hasty retreat from the stranger.

“Come on Jace, I think you’ve had enough,” he started as he tried to hook an arm under the giggling blonde.

That’s when it happened. The stranger, whom Alec was yet to even look at properly, tried to help manoeuvre Jace into an upright position and ended up with his hand resting on Alec’s shoulder.

 _‘Bloomed’_ was the word that came to mind when he had time to think about it later. Something _bloomed_ in his chest at that touch, as well as the familiar stab of fear and panic. A whole hidden room in his mind suddenly came to life with images and colours and surround sound and a flood of emotions, which felt entirely different to his own, came down from the ceiling above. A ceiling which, he noted absently, was no longer solid. It flowed like a river over his head, a flimsy silk barrier between his own mind and eternity. All because of this stranger.

His bondmate.

Alec recoiled violently, pulling Jace off his feet and sending him crashing to the floor.

“Hey!” he protested, his drink now all over his shirt and hair, trying to get back up.

But Alec wasn’t listening. He was staring at this stranger who had ruined him completely, the small dark man with the spiky hair and the glitter and the eyeliner and the freakishly skinny spangley jeans. The one with the homey accent and the yellow green cat eyes. The one who was also looking rather dumbstruck.

He heard Clary asking Jace if he was okay, asking what happened. Jace was no help whatsoever, still trying to get up and stay up without tipping over again. The crash had also summoned Simon and Izzy, and Alec was distantly grateful that he didn’t have to actually confront them while they were making out.

“Alec?” He heard his name being called, and he tried to answer but his breath wouldn’t come. He couldn’t breath. “Alec!” Izzy sounded alarmed now. Clary and Simon had managed to get Jace to his feet, and his brother was doing an admirable job of trying to sober himself up now that it was clear Alec was in trouble. Izzy stood in front of Alec, taking up his whole field of vision. Not that it was hard to do, his vision was slowly fading around the edges and he could only see what was in front of him. She held up her hands right in front of her, and slowly moved them to Alec’s chest. She let him know what she was doing, and after all this time he fell into it. She rubbed her hands up and then down in a steady rhythm that he could feel and easily track. He took a gasping breath in, and tried to exhale on the downstroke but ended up choking halfway. It didn’t put Izzy off, and she just kept up the steady strokes on his chest.

As his vision cleared, he saw that Clary and Simon were running interference and making sure no one touched him while Jace was interrogating the stranger.

Bondmate.

Alec almost stopped breathing again, but Izzy was forcing him to focus on her. She was talking now, her words soft and soothing like they always were.

“You’re okay, Alec. It’s all fine. Just breath in... and out... that’s it. You’ve got it, well done. I’ve got you, and so do Simon, Jace and Clary. We’re all here for you, you’re alright. We won’t let anything happen.”

He was calming down now, he didn’t need Izzy’s guidance to breath properly. The touch was getting to be too much anyway, so he stepped back. She knew better than to follow.

The stranger, _his bondmate_ , was trying to catch his eye but Alec couldn’t cope, not yet. He spun on his heel and hurried from the bar, hand in his pocket and feeling for the car keys. He had just enough common sense left to think about the rest of the group being left behind, and the guilt at leaving them without someone who could drive was only just enough to keep him from running away. He could still lock himself in and not have to look into the disgusted yellow green eyes of his fucking _bondmate!_

Izzy ran out after him, clearly having been appointed this episode’s Alec Handler. She found him sitting in the car, hands clenched around the steering wheel and breathing very deliberately in order to keep his mind off of the frantic knocking he could hear in the back of his mind.

“Are you going to drive off and leave us?”

Alec shook his head.

“Can I come in then?”

It took another thirty seconds for him to realise that he may as well, she wasn’t going anywhere regardless. He unlocked the doors and Izzy walked to the passenger side, taking a seat and pulling the door closed. She didn’t say anything to him, she didn’t even really look at him. She just sat there looking relaxed and let him work out what he wanted to say.

Eventually Alec was able to take a deep breath and let go of the wheel, his hands falling into his lap with a thump. He played with his fingers as the words built up inside before spilling from him.

“That guy, he uh... he put his hand on my shoulder.” Izzy looked at him then, her face understanding. “but uh, that’s... that’s not all.” He watched his left index finger go red as he rubbed at it with his right thumb. “We... I-I mean he... we’re...”

There was a quiet intake of breath from beside him. “Bondmates?”

Alec nodded, feeling tears rush to the surface.

“Oh Alec,” Izzy was saying, very deliberately not touching him. “It’ll be fine, I promise.”

“B-but all my, my _quirks_ ,” he stuttered, arms going around himself.

“The two of you can learn to work around that, like we have.”

“He’ll want _sex_.”

“You don’t know that.” Alec scoffed. The guy was dressed like a slut, he was obviously a sexual creature. The thought made Alec’s skin crawl. “Alec, there’s no point worrying about it all before you know for sure. Let’s get the facts before we make any plans.”

“I don’t want to see him.” Izzy sighed.

“I know. But the Stretch will make that impossible.” Alec let his forehead rest against the steering wheel and curled into himself as much as possible. The Stretch was the one thing about bonded pairs that Alec didn’t get. After setting eyes on each other the bond was established, and without regularly being in close proximity to each other the Stretch set in. Being apart for too long caused physical pain and illness. It was such a stupid thing.

“It’s not fair.”

“I know,” she said again, sighing as she looked back at the bar.

The quiet moment passed, and Izzy straightened herself in her seat and looked determinedly at her brother. “First things first, we’ll have to get the two of you introduced properly.” Alec let out a small sob. Ignoring him, she continued. “We’ll have to find out your Stretch limits, and then work out how often the two of you will have to meet up to keep it from becoming a problem. Maybe double dates with Simon and I, or Jace and Clary. We can run interference for you.”

Alec felt like he was dying inside. He didn’t want a bondmate, not now that he was so fucked up himself. He just knew that this man, this glittery man that just oozed confidence, would run away and never look back, Stretch be damned. Either that or he would get angry. Angry that his bondmate was defective and that Alec couldn’t give him what he wanted. And with that sort of anger came pain, pain Alec had hoped to spare himself. He had wished with all his might that he did not have a bond mate. It was rare that bondmates never met, but it was possible that they were never in the right place at the right time or that one died too young. It certainly wasn’t unheard of.

Unfortunately that hadn’t happened here. The guilt that came with that thought was crushing, he didn’t actually wish another human being dead just because he couldn’t face his fears. But he couldn’t help wishing that they had never met, that the strange, accented voice had stayed in its country of origin far away from Alec, and never the twain shall meet.

But Izzy was right, as she usually was when he was having an episode like this. It had happened, and he needed to make the best of it. Explain that he couldn’t give the guy what he needed and had Alec’s blessing to look elsewhere for his needs. If he was lucky this man would accept those terms and only contact him to put off the Stretch.

He sat back in the seat, uncurling now that the decision had been made. Izzy gave him a proud look.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Alec grumbled, opening the car door and waiting for Izzy to lead the way back into the bar.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet, and they talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, people are reading this. Good thing I've got the next few chapters already outlined. Speaking of, here's chapter 2 that I'm posting as a reward for myself for doing my coursework. I'll upload the next chapter when I've finished the next coursework, which may not be for a few days. A week, or maybe more depending on how much I need to edit it.  
> Usual disclaimers apply, of course. What did you expect from a fanfic site?

It seemed that Izzy had already told Simon via their link that they were coming back, because he waved to them from a door on the right that Alec had barely noticed before. It seemed to be some sort of VIP room, and was away from the din of the pool tables and general drunken shenanigans. It was eerily quiet, and Alec almost started hyperventilating again at the tense atmosphere. His bondmate was staring at him, and Alec had the overwhelming urge to run. _Again_.

Somehow he managed to lower himself into a chair at the low table that was in the centre of the room, sitting opposite the man who had turned his life from a tragedy to a horror movie. Jace and the others had obviously briefed him about Alec’s quirks, because although laying eyes on each other made even Alec want to reach out and touch, the stranger just clenched his fists and stuck them between his knees.

“So,” said that accented voice, and Alec couldn't help but flinch and look away at the warm feeling it gave him. “You and I are bonded.” Alec nodded, his eyes flickering up to the stranger's. The man seemed to consider him before a smile broke out on his face. “I’m Magnus, Magnus Bane.”

Magnus. It suited him, Alec thought. Magnus the Magnificent.

“I would shake your hand,” Magnus continued, “but your friends here have all promised to kill me if I try.”

“Damn straight,” said Jace, clenching his hands around the back of the plush looking sofa Magnus was seated on.

Ignoring him, Magnus continued. “So how do we want to work this? I’ve been told you probably want to keep contact to the minimum?” Alec nodded. “Okay, so we need to figure out the limits of the Stretch.” Alec was frozen in his seat, feeling totally unworthy as he listened to his bondmate talk. Magnus did indeed ooze confidence, even more now that Alec had a chance to actually look at him. Not that Alec was looking at him, his eyes were fixed steadily on a muddy patch on his raggedy trainers, but he could feel the other man relaxing into the tense atmosphere now that he was talking. “I’ll give you my number, I’ll get your number, and when the Stretch sets in for one of us we call the other. Or text,” he added as an afterthought. “Whatever’s easier for you.” Alec nodded again.

“We were talking about this outside,” Izzy replied, and Alec was grateful that she was taking over. “Once we have your Stretch limits, we’ll organize some sort of double date. Either Simon and I or Jace and Clary can bring Alec to meet up with you somewhere as often as necessary.”

Magnus nodded absently. “I’m fine with that,” he replied, and then turned back to Alec. “How far are you willing to go with the mental connection?”

Alec felt his chest constrict again. He had been ignoring the little home cinema in his head so far, which was probably the only reason his thoughts and Magnus’ were still inside their proper minds. The thought of Magnus seeing what went on inside his head, the fears and the nightmares and the _shame_. It was terrifying.

The other man let out a sharp huff, almost as if he’d been punched. “Okay, if that’s coming from you I think I have my answer,” he said, one hand going up to rake through his black hair. Some glitter was dislodged and fell onto his clothes and the couch in a swirling motion that made Alec think of soft snowfall. “I’ll try and build up a wall, if I can figure out how. We’ll see if we can put in some roadblocks and workarounds in case we do need to use the telepathy. I hear it can come in quite handy.”

Alec didn’t think it would ever come in handy, he wanted to separate completely, but he had a feeling Magnus wouldn’t like that.

A sense of shock came leaping down the bond before Alec had a chance to see it coming. The projector screen in his mind lit up to show dark images of lonely figures and helplessness radiated down from the flimsy barrier over his head. There were no actual words, unlike Jace and Clary who could only communicate in surface thoughts and feelings, but the message was clear enough.

_No, I would not like that._

Alec couldn't understand why his wanting to keep this thing to the absolute minimum was leaving Magnus so dismayed. Alec hadn’t said one word to him; the only time he had said anything in front of him at all was when he was talking to Jace. Izzy had made it clear that their only meetings would be out of necessity, mandated by the Stretch, and that each one would be supervised by at least two of Alec’s friends. Who could put up with that, who would _want_ that kind of relationship, the burden of Alec Lightwood? Didn't he understand that holding a conversation was likely as intimate as they would ever get? No matter how supportive and charming and friendly he was, Magnus would never be able to even hold his hand for long periods of time. And sex? That was right off the table. Alec had only recently been able to think the word in the privacy of his own head and he didn't want it radiating out to someone else, especially since that someone else was actually very attractive. Honestly, it was that thought that scared Alec the most. If he started having desires for something he was terrified of he would go insane.

At least some of his feelings must have been slipping through to Magnus, because the man suddenly sat up straight. “I don’t mind being just your friend, Alexander.” Oh boy, did that voice saying his full name do strange things to him. “It’s a little unusual for bondmates to stay platonic, but then this is an unusual bond. We’ll see where it goes, okay? And if it goes nowhere but casual acquaintance, then so be it.”

_Just please don’t shut me out entirely, don’t cut me off, I don’t want someone else to leave._

Again there were no actual words, just a strong impression with emotional reinforcement. Alec wondered why that was, by all accounts bonds were usually reliant on surface thoughts and not so heavily dependent on emotions and instinct. While Alec had an impressionistic colour projector inside his mental room, most people had chalk boards. Simple and direct. But he supposed that Magnus was correct in his assessment of this bond: it was unusual, in more ways than one.

Alec realized that he had been staring at Magnus, so he nodded quickly, a quiet “okay” slipping out as the reassurances kicked in. He should have closed off again as that realisation hit him. No way were the reassurances of a total stranger enough to relax him so much that he could speak to them within an hour of meeting them. But for some reason he did't feel that way. Maybe it was because Jace looked ready to snap Magnus in half at the slightest hint of unwanted behaviour that Alec had so much confidence.

“You got him to talk,” Clary gasped from beside Jace, one hand going to cover her mouth.

“That’s a feat, it took him over a month to talk to me,” Simon said from the doorway. Clary whirled unsteadily to face him, still slightly inebriated.

“He talked to you after a month? It took him two to be able to look me in the eye! It took another six months before he would be alone with me in a room.” She turned to look accusingly at Alec. He just shrugged.

“Well,” said Magnus, staring at Simon and Clary. “You guys certainly weren't kidding. Still,” he looked back at Alec. “What I said before still stands. Casual acquaintances, with a view to eventual friendship. Maybe you’ll even be talking to me in full sentences in less than seven months.” Alec smiled, and received a grin in return. Then Magnus reached into the pocket of his spangley jeans and pulled out his phone, holding it out in the general direction of Alec and Izzy. “Put in your number, and the rest of you can all have mine. Somebody call me if the Stretch sets in.”

Izzy reached out and plucked the phone from Magnus’ grip, put in her number and then Alec’s before she sent a text to the rest of the group. Phones started vibrating, and each member carefully logged Magnus Bane into their social lives. Alec pulled his phone out as it buzzed and stared at the unknown number before logging it as Bane, Magnus. He was tempted to make the entry Magnus the Magnificent, but decided that casual acquaintances wouldn't call each other silly names like that. Maybe if they reached the friendship stage.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus reaches out in the middle of the night. Alec doesn't take it well.

Alec was restless in bed that night. The terror at being comforted by a complete stranger was catching up to him now that Magnus was no longer in his sights. He wondered how long the Stretch would let him have before they had to see each other again. Jace and Clary could only go 5 days, whereas Izzy and Simon had about two weeks. The longest Stretch period Alec had ever heard about was three months. That would be good, he thought. If it was a short limit, like a few days, he didn’t know what he would do. To be forced to see someone with so much power over him so often... well, his daily anxiety level would kick up a few notches if that happened.

Best not to worry too much about it right now. Like Izzy had said, wait for the facts and then panic. So he did what Magnus had said he would do; he started trying to build some walls. What had worked for Alec so far was just ignoring it. The room that had opened up in his mind’s eye was his visual representation of the bond between himself and Magnus. He doubted that his little home cinema looked anything like the inside of his bondmate's head. The screen seemed to represent the thought portion of their communication, a sort of visual representation of the words that were leaking through, while the floaty ceiling was the source of emotion. The images that appeared were strange. The best way Alec could think to describe it was instinctual, the understanding of what a word meant before you could picture whatever it was.

He groaned and rolled over, pressing his face into his pillow. This was giving him a headache. It was so weird.

The screen flickered to life, random shapes and colours mixing together in a lazy pattern that screamed sleepiness. Little points of light fell from the ceiling and onto Alec, and it reminded him strongly of the glitter that had fallen from Magnus’ hair. With them they brought feelings of drowsiness and curiosity.

_What are you still doing awake?_

Alec scowled. Of course, the other man had probably felt Alec poking around the bond. But why did Magnus care? Alec’s sleeping habits were none of his concern. Just because they were bonded didn’t mean Magnus had the right to invade his privacy. He glared at the mental screen, and focused on sending back the thought:

**Building privacy fences around my mental space.**

He decided to cut the ‘ **to keep out pervs like you** ’ from the end of his mental sentence, but he wasn’t sure how successful he had been when ‘ _touchy, touchy’_ came back loud and clear.

**Seriously, get out of my head and I may even sleep tonight.**

Alec almost leapt of the bed when he heard a chuckle. Like, actually heard it with his ears. His breathing quickened. This was too much. Magnus having one mental compartment in his brain was bad enough, but direct access to his hearing? No. That was not okay.

He threw the covers off the bed and onto the floor. Too constricting, but now he was cold and exposed. Raw. And Magnus the total stranger would surely be able to see _everything_.

_Alexander, are you alright?_

No no no no no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

_I’m not sure what’s wrong, but if you don’t tell me that you’re alright then I’ll call your sister._

Izzy? Izzy would know what to do, Izzy always knew. She was the good one, the capable one. The one that kept Alec sane. She was the only person he needed. Well perhaps Jace too, and Clary and Simon were essentially extensions of his siblings and therefore also family. And he felt a little guilty in thinking of Izzy as his favourite which was definitely not helping his situation.

“Alec?”

Alec looked up (when had he fallen to his knees?) and saw Izzy standing in the doorway, her phone pressed to her ear.

“Jesus Christ, Alec. Are you alright?” She flipped on the light and came to kneel in front of him, looking into his eyes. He had no idea what he looked like. A crazed lunatic probably, because Izzy looked scared.

A noise came from the phone, and Alec realised that Magnus must be on the other end. He scrambled away, wanting to get as far from the other man as possible.

“Magnus,” Izzy said, interrupting whatever he was saying. “Can you close off the bond? Well, can you try? Or just ignore it, maybe? Look, you need to do something to get out of Alec’s head for a while. When he’s calmed down I’ll text you, but right now you’re making things worse.”

Thank God for Izzy. She was doing it again, looking after him when he couldn’t look after himself. There was a brief flash of hurt, and then a quiet acceptance from the bond. He could feel Magnus shifting around and the feeling was unnerving. But after a few seconds the mental screen gave a small blip, and the ceiling solidified a little more. Magnus wasn’t entirely gone, but he was far away and that helped tremendously.

Alec let out the breath he had been holding, then gasped in again as his body registered its need for oxygen.

“Okay, you’re alright. Just take a few deep breaths for me. Good man.”

Following Izzy’s instructions he managed to calm himself down again. After he had stopped shaking with adrenalin, he realised he was shaking with the cold. Izzy must have come to the same conclusion, because she encouraged him to his feet and pulled the blanket from the ground under him, spreading it back over his bed and making him get in. She sat herself down on the desk chair and rolled it to his bedside.

“You want to tell me what happened?”

Alec considered her. He had always been able to trust Izzy with everything. She was the first to know he was gay, and the first person he told about... what was happening. She had held him and not held him, always supportive and always listening.

“I’m not sure how to describe it,” he started. Then, “How do you see your bond with Simon?”

Izzy looked surprised. “Well, I’m not sure. It’s like... there’s this barrier between our minds, right? And I can sometimes see through it, but it’s kind of fogged up? But Simon and I can write each other messages in the fog, or show each other pictures. And there’s a way to send emotions over too, but that’s quite hard.” She looked at Alec more closely. “What’s it like for you?”

He told her. About the screen that showed him pictures and the glitter that fell from the ceiling. It wasn’t just one barrier he had, it was a whole entire room.

“That sound awfully overwhelming,” she said when he was finished. “No wonder you were freaking out so much.”

“That’s not everything,” he said. “I heard him. Just now when I was trying to sleep I heard him laugh.” He looked wild eyed at his sister. “He’s not just in the one room anymore, Izzy. He’s gotten out and is running riot through my whole brain.”

“And there’s lots of stuff in there that you don’t want him seeing,” she finished. “I get it.”

“What am I going to do?” He was begging now. Izzy always had the answers.

“I’m sorry Alec, it’s your brain and your bond. I don’t have the answers.”

Except for when she didn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 from Magnus' POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There have been a few requests for Magnus' point of view, and I wanted to show Jace's protective side anyway, so here's what happened while Alec was hiding in his car.

Magnus POV

Magnus was ecstatic. He had a soulmate! Someone he could always rely on. It was a dream come true. The only problem was that it didn’t seem to be the good kind of dream for his bondmate.

He was young and virginal looking, a type Magnus always noticed but rarely went home with (he preferred an experienced touch that matched his own). He was pretty though (a pretty boy in all ways, Magnus knew these things), and would totally be able to carry off some eyeliner to darken those already devastatingly dark eyes. He was standing there with one of the (attractive) blonde idiot’s arms over his shoulder, telling him that he had probably had too much to drink. The boy looked like he was struggling so Magnus decided to help, despite being the victim of the (good looking) drunk.

He wasn’t sure what happened next, all he remembered was reaching for the blonde who gave a lurch of his own in the opposite direction and he ended up with a hand on the dark haired boy’s shoulder.

The effect was instantaneous. He could feel it in his head, like a crystal ball in his mind that showed him his soulmate. Oh how he had dreamed of this! A real connection that went deeper than any other, a family at last.

That was why he was so shocked when a blast of pure panic hit him like a bullet to the chest and the dark haired boy was suddenly dumping his friend on the floor, the guy spilling his drink all over himself and all over Magnus’ shoes.

“Woah,” came a voice from off to his right. “Jace, what happened? Are you okay?” He could see a red headed girl fumbling about and trying to get ‘Jace’ to his feet out of the corner of his eye. Jace started mumbling expletives as he tried to get himself off the floor.

Another couple appeared on Magnus’ other side, a nerdy looking cutie with glasses going to help miss redhead and ‘Jace’ while a dark eyed vixen of a woman tried to get his soulmate’s attention.

“Alec?” No response. Magnus didn’t blame him, there was a lot going on inside his head and there must be something similar happening to his bondmate. The silence must have bothered the vixen (his sister? There was a definite resemblance) because she called his name again in alarm and stood right in front of him, blocking Magnus’ view. He didn’t want that, he wanted to gaze at his soulmate.

He went to move to a better vantage point, but Jace and his friends blocked his way.

“You better not,” Jace said, on his feet finally although still noticeably drunk. “He doesn’t cope well with strangers.”

The other two left to encircle Alec and his possible sister, ushering curious onlookers away. Jace was left half sitting on a table top next to Magnus, and was glaring at him. The whole thing seemed oddly organised. Did this happen often?

“What did you do to Alec?” Magnus gaped.

“Me? I didn’t do anything to him. I just tried to help him get you upright and then we forged a soul bond.”

It was Jace’s turn to gape at Magnus. “Shit,” was all he said. “Fuck, shit.”

He looked like he was about to go on, but at that point Alec (who Magnus had been trying to make eye contact with) turned and fled the bar.

“I’ve got it,” the dark haired woman said, hurrying after him. Jace swore a little more, and the other two came back to join them again.

“What happened?” asked the redhead. Jace pointed an accusing finger at Magnus.

“He did,” he said. “They bonded.”

There was a long pause as everyone caught up.

“Well that explains it,” said the geeky guy. He turned to Jace. “Are we going to have to take drastic action?”

“Woah, hold it,” Magnus said, standing up straight and holding out a hand to stop Jace from replying. The blonde looked cross eyed at Magnus’ open palm, and then looked past it to glare daggers at him. “What do you mean ‘drastic action’? What’s going on?”

“Alec has quirks,” the redhead replied, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Being bonded is pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen to him.”

Magnus had no reply to that. How could this be a bad thing? It was a guarantee that whoever was bonded to you would back you up and help you to be the best that you could be. Okay so bond violence wasn’t totally unheard of, but it was extremely rare. Nobody ever went into a bond thinking that it would turn out badly. Not finding your bondmate was far more likely than an abusive relationship, and that was rare itself. Magnus had always been terrified that he _wouldn’t_ meet his bondmate, and here his bondmate was terrified of meeting _him_. That was not a good feeling, and it sent panicked little sparks soaring towards the barrier in his mind to make sure that this was really happening.

“I don’t understand,” he said eventually. “And I think you better explain.” He lead the way to one of the VIP rooms he knew was unoccupied. His bar, his rules. Jace and the others followed him, gazing at the door he opened. All of the VIP rooms’ doors were designed to blend in with the wall of the main bar, and it shocked quite a few people when they discovered that this was actually a rather large establishment that hosted discos and all sorts at certain times of the year. Only those in the know were invited, of course, but Magnus decided that friends of his bondmate were probably also his friends.

This was a purple themed room, with a low glass coffee table in the middle surrounded by two armchairs and a sofa. He flipped on the low lighting (it was kept off when no one had booked it) and closing the door had an instant muffling effect thanks to the sound proofing. Magnus took a seat on the sofa in the hope that if Alec came back he would sit down beside him. The geeky guy took one of the armchairs, but the other two elected to stand.

“Talk,” Magnus said, deciding that there was no need for subtlety.

“Alec has issues,” the redhead said.

“Issues such as?”

“He doesn’t like to be touched,” the cute geeky one replied, almost before Magnus had finished speaking.

“And he doesn’t like interacting with people he doesn’t know,” said Jace.

“The bond, to Alec, is a forced relationship that he doesn’t necessarily want,” the redhead continued. “He’s been hurt badly in the past, and nothing is ever going to get through the walls he’s built up.”

“Make no mistake,” Jace growled, hands gripping the back of the sofa. “Just because you’ve got a direct link to the inside of his head does NOT mean that you have permission to go there. If you so much as look at him if he doesn’t want you to I’ll kill you, bond be damned.”

Magnus’ eyebrows had slowly been climbing, and on that bombshell reached their apex. “Noted,” he said. “No unnecessary eye contact. Or contact of any kind.”

Jace nodded triumphantly. Magnus didn’t think it was a good look on him, but the redhead obviously thought differently. Magnus turned to look at Mr. Hot Glasses.

“So,” he said cheerily, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m Magnus Bane.” Mr Hot Nerd blushed.

“Oh, I can’t believe we haven’t introduced ourselves. I’m Simon Lewis,” he said, and then pointed to the redhead and the blonde. “And these two are Jace Lightwood and Clary Fray.”

“Hi Magnus.” Clary gave a small wave.

“The other lady that went after Alec is Isabelle Lightwood, his sister and my bondmate.” Ah, so he was right about the sister.

“I saw the resemblance between them.” He turned to Jace. “You’re a Lightwood too?”

“I was adopted.”

“Ah.” That made more sense.

“The Lightwoods are my family, and they always have been,” he said. He appeared to be gearing up to go on another ‘hurt them and I’ll kill you’ speech, but Clary stepped in.

“Jace, I think he gets it.” And it was funny, but Magnus had never before seen a bad boy back down so fast.

“I’m guessing you two are bonded as well?” A proud smile came across Jace’s face, and he pulled Clary close to his side.

“Yup, I’m one lucky guy.” Clary giggled at her bondmate, slapping playfully at his chest. Magnus had to admit he did have a good chest.

“Guys,” Simon called, his eyes closed. “Izzy managed to convince Alec to come back inside to talk.”

And just like that the almost friendly atmosphere dissipated. Simon went to the door to greet the Lightwood siblings while Jace went to stand menacingly behind Magnus (it was actually a little hot).

“I mean it. You make him uncomfortable and you die.”

“From what you’ve told me he’s going to be uncomfortable anyway.” Magnus was getting a little tired of the threats. “He’s my bondmate, I don’t want to hurt him. Yes, I know,” he waved away the accusation he could see forming on Jace’s face. “My being his bondmate _is_ hurting him. I promise to keep the level of awkwardness as low as possible. How’s that?” Jace glared at him.

“It’ll do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have chapter 3 written from Magnus' POV as well. Would you like to see that next, or would you rather get on with the first date? I can probably work it in as a flashback, so you'll be seeing it anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus decides to close up early. It's a good thing he does...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's what Magnus was seeing the night Alec heard him laugh.

Magnus POV

He was still closing up the bar when he felt it, the faintest tugging sensation that he instinctively knew was Alec. He glanced up at the large wall clock: it was past midnight. What was Alec doing still awake? Magnus himself was almost dead on his feet from a full night of entertaining guests and, y’know, bonding. What an emotional rollercoaster that had been. Jace as a brother-in-law promised to be either an absolute disaster or the best thing ever to happen, Magnus couldn’t quite decide. Although now that Alec had presented himself (or rather his friends had presented him) as totally uninterested in anything like a normal happy relationship, marriage was probably only a distant fantasy. Something inside Magnus died a little at that thought. Even his bondmate didn’t want him.

He shook himself free of the dark thoughts. He had to focus on the positive. Alec had said something to him, and based on the way Clary and Simon had reacted that was highly unusual. There was hope for a happy ending yet, Magnus would just have to work for it instead of it being handed to him on a silver platter.

The shifting in his head was intensifying, and Magnus couldn’t help himself from responding.

_What are you still doing awake?_

**Building privacy fences around my mental space, to keep out pervs like you.**

Magnus could tell that Alec had tried to keep that last part hidden, but neither of them had nearly enough experience with this to be successful. The crystal ball showed him everything, shapes morphing themselves into pictures of Alec.

_Touchy, touchy._

He had to admit that this sassy Alec was a pleasant surprise. He wondered if this counted as talking, and if so they had definitely scored on the seven month target Magnus had joked about during their first (only) meeting.

**Seriously, get out of my head and I may even sleep tonight.**

Well that was a lie. Magnus knew that Alec wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, he highly doubted that he would get any sleep himself. All he could think about was Alec: wondering what he liked and his relationship with his family and what he was wearing right now. That last thought was probably indecent.

A picture of Jace gripping his shoulders and shaking him came to mind, and he couldn’t help but laugh quietly at it. He wasn’t afraid of Jace. But suddenly Magnus felt like he was being shot again. He could see Alec in his mind’s eye, sitting bolt upright and flinging his blankets aside.

_Are you alright?_

**No no no no no.**

Oh dear, had he heard that last thought? Magnus would have to apologise, but he doubted Alec would listen to him right now. What could he do? This was the second panic attack he had caused the poor boy in only a few hours, obviously he wasn't helping.

But maybe his sister could. They were still young, they probably still lived together, right? Or she would at least know where he lived and go see him. It couldn't be too far away if they had come to his bar together. Oh hell, he had no idea, but Isabelle was his only choice.

_I’m not sure what’s wrong, but if you don’t tell me that you’re alright then I’ll call your sister._

There was a brief pause in the onslaught of negative emotions. That was enough for him. Magnus scrambled for his phone and searched through his contacts for Isabelle. She picked up just before it cut to voicemail.

“Magnus? It’s almost one.”

“I know, but I think Alec is in trouble.”

“What happened?” Magnus could hear her moving around, the sound of a door opening.

“I don’t know. I could feel him through the bond, it was really weird actually, and we kinda started talking and then he started freaking out. I think maybe it was something I said, but...”

“Alec?” Magnus stopped talking. “Jesus Christ, Alec. Are you alright?” Something clenched in his chest again, and it was either Magnus’ guilt at sending Alec over the edge for the second time or it was something _un_ clenching in Alec that was leaking through the bond. Probably both.

“Is he alright? I didn't totally screw this...”

“Magnus? Can you close off the bond?”

“What? You do realise I have no idea what I’m doing?”

“Well can you try? Or just ignore it maybe?” Magnus didn't say anything. No, he didn't want to try and he could most definitely not ignore it.

“Look, you need to do something to get out of Alec’s head for a while. When he’s calmed down I’ll text you, but right now you’re making things worse.”

His bondmate was terrified of him. Somehow this was more confirming of that fact than when he pulled away from the accidental touch at the bar. And despite everything in Magnus protesting against it, he did actually want Alec to be happy more than he needed his own happiness.

Okay, so how do you stop a crystal ball from showing you pictures? Get away from it, he supposed.

He wasn't entirely sure how he could remove his mental self from the vicinity of the ball, it wasn't like there was anywhere else to go. So instead he took his mental shirt off and draped it delicately over the glass, being careful not to knock it off it’s pedestal.

The effect was instantaneous. The raging sea of emotions that he had been able to feel through the bond was suddenly muffled, almost completely blocked out. Light still shone brightly through the dark material of his mental shirt, but he couldn't see what was happening inside it or inside the rest of his mental space. He felt blind, helpless in the cold and in the dark. He felt almost totally numb.

A bright chiming noise brought him back to awareness. He was sitting on the floor of the bar, his phone lying beside him where it had fallen from his grip. He picked it up with shaking hands, blinking away tears as he read:

_hes ok now. the intensity freaked him a little it wasnt anything u said. see u  date night._

He let out a sigh of relief. She didn't sound angry at him, and they were still sticking to the double date arrangement.

He wondered if it would be okay to put the mental shirt back on, but he didn't dare touch it yet despite how cold he felt inside. One more panic attack and Alec may never want to see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is taking longer than I thought it would. Bear with me, I'm almost done!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's terrifying, but it's necessary. Alec just hopes he doesn't faint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have The First Date. Enjoy :)

Alec POV

He sneezed again, and let out a miserable sigh.

“Will you just admit it already?” Izzy set a bowl of soup in front of him. He glared up at her.

“It’s just the flu,” he grumbled. It had only been a week. It was definitely possible to go longer than a week.

“I know you want your Stretch period to be longer, but you have to admit that this is a hell of a coincidence.”

Damn her for being right. He knew it was the Stretch, but he wanted to see how far he could push it. So he was a little snotty and a little achy. That was nothing. He could handle it. Especially if it meant that he didn't have to face Magnus.

Ever since Alec had panicked for the second time in a day thanks to Magnus’ mental probing, the other man had been oddly distant. It seemed he had figured out those roadblocks he had mentioned. He still wasn't completely gone, but he was far away and that was enough for Alec.

“If you want proof I can ask Magnus how he’s feeling.” She took out her phone and wiggled it menacingly. “If he’s sick too then I’m booking us a table at Benedetto’s.”

“It’s just the flu!” Izzy sighed.

“Look,” she said, crossing her arms. “You’re my big brother. I have always looked up to you, even when you haven’t been able to do anything for yourself. I love you, Alec. And if you give him a shot, Magnus will be able to love you to.”

Alec had nothing to say to that. He had already told his sister all of his fears about this potential relationship. Magnus himself had said he was content being casual acquaintances if that was all Alec could give him, although Alec knew that was a promise the man was unlikely to keep indefinitely. Then there were the thoughts that had leaked through during their first meeting. As much as Alec didn't need the bond, Magnus obviously did.

No amount of logical thinking could quiet the churning sensation in his stomach though. It was almost enough to make him throw up. He had used up his quota of bravery by staying in the same room as his bondmate at their first and only meeting a week ago, and he hadn't recovered yet.

Izzy smiled reassuringly at him. “Trust me bro, it’ll be fine. You can sit on the outside of the booth and Simon can crush Magnus into the far corner. As long as you haven’t waited too long, the Stretch should disappear in about an hour without the need for physical contact.”

He head butted the kitchen table in front of him, which Izzy took to mean ‘go ahead’ because the next thing he heard was half of a phone conversation:

“Hey Magnus, how are you? Yeah, Alec is the same. He’s being stubborn about it. What time is good for you? I’m thinking Benedetto’s, that Italian place by... yeah, that’s the one. Do you need us to pick you up? All right, we’ll meet you there. I’ll call up for a reservation now, and then text you the details. See you soon, bye.”

The beep of the end call button was almost enough for Alec to raise his head, but resting it on the table was actually helping with the headache a little so he kept it there and let out a groan instead.

“Come on you.” A hand came down on the table above his head and knocked a few times, which definitely made his headache worse. “I’ll get you some painkillers to wash down with your soup and then I’m prettying you up for your date.”

“You are so mean.”

“If I were mean I would let you go out on your first date with the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life with dressed like a hobo and covered in snot.”

She had a point.

~*~*~*~

Izzy and fashion was a terrible combination when you were her brother. He only managed to rein her in after begging her to not push him out of his comfort zone before he even left the house. So he ended up in nice clothes that were more or less like something he would normally wear: dark jeans and a black shirt, with some sort of dark blazer thing over the top. Izzy told him he looked like part of The Black Parade, but Alec liked that song and he was more or less happy with the choice of clothes.

He did protest, vehemently, when she came at him with hair gel. That was not happening. If Magnus was going to see him it would be as himself, not a false pretence that he would have to worry about keeping up. He had enough things to worry about thank you very much. Magnus also obviously knew his way around makeup and probably the entire fashion industry as well, and as much faith as he had in his sister to make him look good he wasn’t about to pitch her skills against that level of glitter.

He regretted his decision to stop her when she was dragging him out to the car, though. Why did he have to rush her through her process when he could have delayed the inevitable?

The ride to the restaurant was quiet, and it gave Alec far too much time to think. His bondmate was going to be there, the one with direct access to his thoughts. Try as he might, he still couldn't really get the bond to solidify on his end. There was too much that needed to be shut off: the projector screen had no apparent source and he couldn't reach the ceiling. He was utterly defenceless against any probing thoughts that Magnus sent his way, and that was the most terrifying thing Alec had ever come across in his adult life.

Izzy pulled up outside the restaurant ten minutes later, just as Simon was approaching the door. Alec had noticed that Simon and Izzy had an uncanny ability to show up at the exact same moment as each other. It made them both incredibly happy, but it creeped Alec out a little.

He noticed them before he went inside, and waited as Izzy parked.

“Hey guys,” he said, pulling Izzy into a kiss. “How’re you feeling Alec?”

He didn't have the words to describe the level of dread building in his stomach, but he could feel himself blanching.

"That good huh?" Simon said, giving him the once over. "C'mon, we better get you sitting down before you fall over."

With Izzy on one arm and Simon on the other, which should have freaked him out except he couldn't feel his arms, they were lead to a corner table at the back of the restaurant. Gabe Benedetto was not Alec's favourite person. He left quickly though, so Alec managed to ignore him.

He had more pressing things to think about, like the fact that Magnus had just walked through the door.

Alec's wasn't quite sure if he was still breathing. He couldn't take his eyes off his bondmate, and Magnus seemed to be having similar problems.

Simon got up out of the way, suggesting Magnus sit in the inside corner for now. Magnus barely reacted to the obvious ploy to keep him as far from Alec as possible, he just took his seat without breaking eye contact.

"So Magnus, how have you been?" Izzy started the conversation off.

Magnus gave a wet sounding sniff. "I've been better," he admitted croakily, obviously just as affected by the Stretch as Alec was. "I've also been a lot worse, so probably this week has been average."

"Really?" Simon exclaimed. "Wow. I remember our first Stretch, it was agony."

"The headache alone was enough to cripple you," Izzy agreed. "Especially with the way it bounces back and forth over the bond."

Magnus grimaced. "Yeah, that may be why."

Izzy glanced curiously at him, and then turned to her brother.

"What did you do?"

Alec physically jumped at the turn in conversation, managing to look away from Magnus at last. "Nothing," he muttered under his breath, staring at the table. Izzy was close enough to hear him though, so she turned on the man sitting across from her. Her look was clear enough for Magnus to interpret.

"It was me," he admitted. "After that whole panic attack in the middle of the night incident. You told be to back off and I did, and then I just never really got back."

"Guys, that's not a good idea," Simon spoke up, glancing worriedly between them. "Distancing in the bond is necessary sometimes, especially in the beginning when you're still getting used to each other. But long term cut off can be pretty disastrous."

"If you think your Stretch symptoms are bad now, wait until the bond re-establishes," Izzy added, then turned to her brother. "You know what I said about touch maybe being unnecessary?" Alec had a bad feeling about where this was going. "I think maybe that was wrong."

Oh God, this was awful. No way, nuh uh. There would be no touching. No touching of any kind. He didn't care how bad his headache got, or even if he started drowning in his own blood, that kind of pain was fine. Touching would be bad, very bad in a very bad kind of way.

"Are you ready to order?" A bored sounding voice came from his right. Alec almost fell out his seat he whipped around so fast.

Gabe was standing there, eyeing them suspiciously.

Izzy gave a bright smile. "I'll have the lasagna I think. Spaghetti bolognese, Alec?" He nodded.

"Pizza marinara, thanks," Simon piped up, gathering the menus to give to Gabe.

"And I'll have the alfredo, please."

Gabe collected the menus from Simon and left, still watching from the corner of his eye.

As he disappeared around the corner and into the kitchen, Simon let out a shudder.

"Geez, that guy gives me the creeps. I thought Gideon worked Fridays?"

Gideon, Alec knew, was pretty much the exact opposite of his little brother. He was cheery and always had a smile on his face, and he had always avoided brushing past Alec in a way he had never seen him do with other customers. He was there with a hug and a handshake, or in Alec's case just a bright grin, and was really the only reason aside from the food that the Lightwoods and company ever came here.

"Do you come here often?"

Alec's gaze was drawn back to Magnus. He was dismayed to discover that the man's voice was just as hypnotically soothing as it had been the last time he'd heard it. In person at least; mentally it was another story entirely.

"Yeah, I suppose. The food is good, and when Gabe's not working the service is pretty excellent," Simon replied.

There was a pause in the conversation as Alec and Magnus stared at each other. Izzy cleared her throat.

“Getting back to the matter at hand,” she said, and Alec felt his heart rate increase again. “You really need to get rid of that block you've put up.”

“Yeah,” Simon agreed. “I’m honestly surprised you managed to put one up at all. And that if you've been blocking the bond all this time that you haven’t gone insane.”

Magnus gave a small chuckle. “Oh, I’m not so easily overcome. I’m used to the dark and the cold.”

A tightening of the mouth and a hint of a flush gave Alec the distinct impression that Magnus hadn't meant to say that. His sister and her bondmate gave the man curious looks, but didn't comment which he seemed grateful for.

“I’m thinking it’s probably not a good idea to reopen the bond in the middle of a crowded restaurant when we’re also experiencing the Stretch,” he said, and despite the lingering tension in his eyes, there was a relaxed lilt to his voice. Maybe Magnus was so good at directing uncomfortable conversations away from Alec because he had a lot of experience doing the same thing for himself. “So that begs only one question.” Magnus looked up again, staring directly into Alec’s eyes. “Your place or mine?”

Alec’s heart almost stopped. Magnus gave a rueful smile, and was quick to clarify.

“When the headache intensifies I doubt we’ll want to be in a public place. Would you rather fall into your own bed while I collapse in a heap on your floor, or do you want to swap? If we do go to your place I hope you don’t mind me staying there a while, because from what I understand I won’t be able to move for a good few hours at least. Do you have an en suite? I don’t, so if we start throwing up I’d rather we did it some place that  _isn't_  my bedroom. My apartment is shitty enough without having to deal with _that._ ” He pulled a face, and something in Alec released. He didn't like flirting, even when he knew it was a joke, but Magnus was still doing whatever it was he was doing to make Alec so at ease. He briefly looked into his bond-room, as he’d taken to calling it, but the place was still barely ticking over. So whatever it was drawing Alec out of his shell, it wasn't purely the bond.

“Yes, Alec has an en suite,” Izzy answered for him. “We also have multiple guest rooms, so you’re welcome to borrow one of them.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Multiple, huh? Where is it you live exactly?”

“Their parents’ _mansion_ ,” Simon said, a cross between smugness and sheer awe crossing his face as he said it. It had been years since the little geek had met his sister, and Alec was sure that look would never fade.

“It’s not a mansion,” Izzy corrected, a fond look on her face. “Institutum Manerio. The Lightwoods have had a share in the property for decades.”

“Possibly centuries,” Simon added, and Izzy rolled her eyes at his excited grin.

Magnus gave a low whistle. “Institute Manor. Definitely sounds better than my shitty apartment in Brooklyn.”

“You speak Latin?” The question was out of Alec’s mouth before he even registered his lips moving. He could feel a blush creeping up his face as three pairs of eyes narrowed in on him.

“I speak lots of languages,” Magnus said, his voice cool and seemingly unaffected by the sudden and unexpected outburst. “They’re a passion of mine. ‘Manerio’ is simple enough, and ‘Institutum’ is most readily translated as Institute. It has a lot of connotations to the law as well. I guess your ancestors were peacekeepers of some kind?” He directed his question at Izzy, and Alec knew he was trying to get the others’ attention away from him. Was there anything this man couldn't do that would make Alec grateful that he was here? It was currently very hard to remember that he wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for meeting Magnus.

“Yes, as far as we can tell. Possibly the first lawyers in modern America, but we don’t know for sure.” Izzy regained her composure quite quickly, although Simon was still sneaking glances at him. “Our parents aren't really history buffs, and the land has been sort of co-owned by multiple families so it’s possible one of them was the real lawyer family and the Lightwoods just moved in.”

“It’s like one big Church of Lawyers,” Simon said gleefully. Simon, Alec thought fondly, could always be depended upon for wacky, supernatural conspiracy theories. “All the other families have been rich beyond belief at one point or another. I like to think that the manor was built on hallowed ground and they all sold their souls to Satan.”

Magnus nodded, face totally serious. “I think you may be right. Does the curse stop with the ancestors, or have we bonded to devil spawn?”

Simon shrugged. “If either of them gets mega rich they’re probably demons.”

“Oh look,” Izzy said in a monotone, expression blank in the face of Simon’s glee. “Here comes Gabe with our food.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can thank Google Translate for the Latin lesson. When I looked up 'institutum' it came back with institute but also established law, and I thought that fit pretty well. Plus it sounds neat.  
> Also I haven't even started the next chapter yet, and my university course is getting pretty heavy. Exams will be over by the middle of May, but until then I have almost no time. So don't panic until June.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some not so fun consequences when you hide from your bondmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every word of this was written when I couldn't stare at equations anymore. I doubt my lecturers will find it as entertaining as you hopefully will. I'll aim to have the next chapter posted sooner than this one was now that I don't need to go to classes, but I might just also stop doing anything productive. Only time will tell what kind of summer this will be.
> 
> Oh, one more thing: there is a very, very brief mention of suicide. Honestly if you blink and you'll miss it, but if you need more information see the end notes.

Simon had walked to the restaurant so he offered to drive back to the manor with Magnus, who agreed readily. Alec was left alone with Izzy once more, but the space she was giving him was making him anxious. There was a question burning him up, and there was no time like the present to ask it.

"Do you really think we'll have to touch?" It came out much quieter than he had intended, and he had to repeat himself at Izzy's questioning hum. She let out a sigh as she pulled up to a red light.

"I think it will help, yes. It doesn't have to be a bear hug, maybe a handshake will do. We won't know for sure until we try."

Alec didn't think he would be able to cope with even a handshake.

"While we're on the subject though, you will most likely be in a substantial amount of pain when the block comes off. Do you want Simon or I in the room, or would you rather we left you and Magnus alone?"

He hadn't even thought of that. On the one hand, the thought of being alone with Magnus was terrifying. Having one person standing over him when he was in pain was probably a bad idea, but he wasn't sure what multiple people would evoke in his memory. He was used to having his sister there for moral support, but what about Magnus? Was he alright with a near total stranger watching him throw up?

“Can’t I just be by myself?”

“The closer you stay to your bondmate, the quicker the Stretch symptoms fade,” she replied, neatly navigating the turn onto their long driveway. “I wouldn't recommend it.”

Alec had thought as much.

“I... I want you there,” he said as the house finally came into view. “But I don’t know if Magnus will.”

“Magnus will do whatever I tell him to do.” There was a strong set to her voice, a confidence that Alec had once possessed, and he felt a little envious of her optimism. “He wants the best for you, I can tell.”

“Let’s hope you’re right. I don’t think I can go through this again if he runs away.”

Izzy snapped her fingers at him. She would have popped him in the arm with the back of her hand for being stupid, but that wasn't a good idea now and so she had come up with a new gesture that meant she wanted to hit him. He really was blessed to have such a good sister.

“Get a grip, Lightwood. You have a bond to reconnect.”

~*~*~

All too soon they were in Alec’s room, and while Magnus had been quietly taking in the massive grounds and long hallways full of identical doors Alec was just quietly dying inside. The fear of what was to come was overpowering: stay in the same room with a complete stranger, feel like death in order to feel better, _touch another human being_. He wasn't sure he could do it, but there was no way he could escape. This was happening one way or another, and Alec only had enough strength to go with the flow. He wondered if Magnus was nervous. He would have to be, right? Anybody would be nervous. He wished Izzy and Simon hadn't hyped it up so much, this might have been easier if he didn't know how much it would hurt.

Simon said his goodbyes at the door. Alec didn't blame him for not wanting to stay; this kind of thing was very personal. Alec asking Izzy to stay with him while he went through a bonding experience with someone else was almost taboo. Magnus must be feeling disgusted, Alec was sure of it. His sister playing such a heavy role in his bond was almost incestuous, and now Magnus was stuck with it. How could he put up with this? All the pain Alec was sure to cause him: Alec didn't know if he could do it were their positions reversed. Then again, it wasn't as if either of them had a choice. The universe had fated them to be together, and only death would separate them. For all his difficulties living in the world Alec was not suicidal, and he highly doubted Magnus was the type to lay down his life for the sake of avoiding a little awkwardness.

Speaking of awkwardness, Alec had no idea what to do now. They were in his bedroom, an intimacy he was trying very hard to ignore, and both of them were just staring stupidly at each other.

Izzy clapped her hands, making them both jump. Alec could feel his face catching fire, and was a little pleased when he saw Magnus’ face going red as well. At least he wasn't the only one feeling flustered.

“Okay you two, shake hands or something. Let’s get this show on the road.” Alec hoped the red of his blush was disguising the white of his fear.

A handshake. How could something as simple and mundane as a handshake turn him into a quivering mess? It didn't help that he was somehow staring at Magnus again, and he could see the other man studying him.

“I think a handshake is a bit much,” Magnus said after a few moments. “The amount of contact doesn't really matter, does it? Just that there _is_ contact for a length of time, and the longer the better.” He tilted his head to the side, obviously considering something. A silly little smile came to his face as he focused on his thoughts, and then his eyes snapped back onto Alec’s.

“How willing are you to do something that requires minimal contact, but is utterly ridiculous?”

Minimal contact? How could he say no to that? This entire thing was ridiculous anyway.

He nodded his head a little stiffly, and Magnus gave a wry chuckle as he lifted a finger and pointed it at Alec.

“Then help me phone home, E.T.”

Alec let out a surprised snort of his own. Oh God, this was _utterly_ ridiculous. But not nearly as terrifying as a handshake, and Alec was grudgingly impressed with his bondmate. He wasn't sure how Magnus did it, especially since the bond was still blocked off.

There was a laugh from off to the side, and Alec jumped to see Izzy standing looking highly amused, one hand clamped over her mouth to try and hide her grin. Wow, he had actually forgotten she was there.

Izzy smiled at the startled look on his face. “Any time you want me to leave, brother dear, you let me know and I’m gone.”

Staying with Magnus like this was still frightening, now that he actually thought about being alone with him for real. But the last few minutes had proven he could do it, and it was actually a little fun.

Unless of course Magnus was an evil bastard who was only on his best behaviour and not attacking him because Izzy was in the room, although what Izzy could do to stop him if he were crazy was something Alec couldn't bear to think about. Don’t get him wrong, he’s seen Izzy in action against multiple people all much more powerful than herself. She had self defence down to an art, and therefore was also a master in the art of defending Alec. But his imagination was running wild now, all sorts of unlikely scenarios running through his head and colliding to make one massive nightmare. It seemed to involve Magnus growing to five times his natural size and shooting blue flame from his hands like some sort of crazed all powerful wizard.

And he knew it was crazy and paranoid and so far past unlikely that there wasn't even a word for it, but the fear was back with a vengeance now that he had let his guard down.

He shook his head at his sister, indicating he wanted her to stay. She nodded and took up a more serious stance.

Alec looked back at Magnus, finger still pointed at him, and took a deep breath. This was it. He reached out with his own finger, and touched it lightly to Magnus’. There was no spark, no jolt, just a slight warm sensation where they were sharing a little body heat. And best of all, Alec’s anxiety only inched up a little.

He looked back up at Magnus, who gave him a look in return.

“Are you ready?” he asked, voice serious. _No,_ Alec thought, but he nodded.

He watched as Magnus closed his eyes, going back into his thoughts. Something inside him gave a quiver as the little hairs on Magnus’ arms stood upright like he had gone cold, although from what Alec could feel the man was still giving off the same amount of heat.

Then suddenly there was a jolt. Alec was snatched back into his own bond-room like Magnus had reached out and grabbed him. The place was flooded with light, and he was having difficulty seeing. The light was causing a headache, and nausea. It was one of the worst migraines Alec had ever had the misfortune of experiencing, made a thousand times worse by the pain he could feel coming from Magnus. All he could do was breath through it and let the pain wash through him and down towards his fingertip, which was miraculously still pressed against Magnus’ own. He didn't know how either of them were still upright, but he could feel the pain leaving him at that spot and wished desperately that he could just give Magnus a full body hug and get it all over with.

He might have done it too, but he wasn't quite sure where Magnus was exactly. His spatial awareness was limited to that one tiny point of contact and the swirling vortex of light and pain that was dancing through his mental space. For all intents and purposes, he was totally blind to the outside world.

He wasn't sure how long he stood like that, feeling like a junky on a bad trip in a club full of strobe lights. Eventually the pain lessened, and the nausea rose up to take its place. It was pure luck that Alec managed to make it to the bathroom before the vomiting started, even if he was pretty sure he was throwing up in the bathtub and not the toilet he was originally aiming for. All he could hear now was retching, and he was also pretty sure that not all of it was his.

But again, all he could do was let go: let the disgusting noises he was making echo from the tiles, let his abdomen contract and his body wring him dry. Even when there was nothing left to give, when he was exhausted and aching and too hot and ready to just fall to the floor he couldn't.

The first thing to hit him was the smell. The bath, while a larger target, was also not quite as effective at draining away more viscous liquids. Groping for the tap he let cold water flow down, washing away most of it. Droplets ricocheted from the bottom of the tub and sprayed his face, and the cool feeling against his warm skin was heavenly. With great care he sat back on his knees, expecting to feel his aching head protesting at the movement.

He was surprised when it didn't, and delighted to find the headache receding rapidly. Running his hands through his hair and across the muscles at the base of his skull he found the pain almost totally gone. In fact the only things bothering him now were the residual ache in his stomach muscles after their intense workout and the foul taste in his mouth. Getting to his feet he found that his limbs weren't unsteady at all: in fact he felt great.

He turned off the water in the now clean tub and looked around. Magnus was still slumped over the toilet bowl, his head resting on the porcelain. Alec shuddered at the thought and thanked God he had cleaned it the night before when the nightmares made it impossible to sleep.

Magnus himself was looking better each second that passed, and was maybe only half a minute behind Alec in his recovery. He sat up with a small grimace and reached for the flush, though he didn't try to get to his feet.

It was only now that Alec noticed what Magnus was wearing. He had been too enraptured with Magnus’ face at the restaurant to pay much attention to what the man was dressed in, but he looked now. It was a charcoal suit with a red shirt, and honestly it made him look good despite now being rather rumpled. Alec had expected him to wear something a little more... outrageous, but was pleasantly surprised. While the style looked effortless, it seemed that Magnus had put a lot of thought into his outfit in order to match Alec’s style. Not that Alec would ever wear a suit anywhere but a wedding or a funeral, but well... it really did look good on him.

Magnus looked up with a smirk.

_I’m glad you approve._

Alec blushed like a maniac. How had he forgotten that this whole thing would mean they were back inside each other’s heads?

Oh shit. His thoughts weren't his own any more.

The unease slammed into him again, and he almost broke down in frustration. He was going round in circles, afraid and then happy and then afraid again. It was so repetitive, and all he could think about was Magnus: what he would expect, how he would react and how much Alec _wanted_ to have a normal relationship with him. Magnus could make him happy, he had proved that multiple times now. He was considerate of Alec’s feelings, at least so far, and had turned the conversation to other topics when it was clear he wasn't coping with something. He had forgotten that Izzy was in the room multiple times in the last hour or so and that feeling of being alone with this magnificent man should have been terrifying but it wasn't and...

Oh shit. Izzy.

Looking up from Magnus, who was still sitting on the floor staring up at him in turn, he looked about for his sister. He spotted her lurking outside the doorway, and she raised her eyebrows questioningly.

“Um,” was his brilliant reply.

Magnus stood up then, he must have forgotten their audience as well, and turned to face the doorway.

“Well that was an adventure,” he said, his voice sassy. Alec had noticed this tendency towards sass when there was a silence, and there was something thrilling about it. There was also something equally terrifying about it, but that wasn’t unusual.

Izzy gave a smirk in return and then held out something to Magnus. He took it from her and turned it over, and Alec saw that it was a toothbrush.

Reminded of his own toothbrush that was just behind his bondmate, Alec decided to wait until the other man was done to rid himself of the awful taste of old vomit. He turned to lean against the wall by the door, his eyes fixed on Magnus’ shiny shoes.

“Thank you dear,” he was saying as he ripped the package open. “Can I borrow your toothpaste Alec?”

Alec glanced up at him and nodded before looking down shyly. Jesus Christ, he couldn't keep his head straight around this man. There were so many emotions running through him, and he wasn’t sure which would take the lead until it happened. He must look mental.

Magnus didn't make a big deal out of it though. He just turned on the tap and spread a little paste on the bristles before he started scrubbing vigorously at his teeth and tongue.

When he was done he set the toothbrush down on the edge of the sink and stepped away, letting Alec have his turn. He wasn't sure how he felt about brushing his teeth with Magnus watching, but thankfully he stepped out to talk to Isabelle. Alec put himself through the same routine Magnus had, hoping to be done before anyone decided to look in on him. He knew Izzy would be worried about him, and Simon was still hanging around somewhere and probably desperate for the juicy details.

They were both waiting for him when he stepped out of the bathroom. Magnus gave him the once over which made him blush, and Izzy was grinning.

“So how do you feel now Alec?”

“Better.” His eyes darted back and forth over the other two, and he could feel the awkwardness building again.

“So,” Magnus spoke up. “This has been wonderful, but I think I should call it a night. I have to work tomorrow.” He raised his hand towards Alec in an awkward sort of wave. “Let’s do this again soon, hopefully without the puking.”

Alec nodded in return, throat closing up with some unknown emotion. Was he disappointed that Magnus was leaving? Was he worried about their next ‘date’? Was it something else entirely? He just didn't know, and that wasn’t helping things.

He felt a vibration in his head like a text alert, and curiously drifted into his bond-room.

The projector was flickering again and the ceiling was almost totally transparent, shot through with bright streaks of colour like his own personal Aurora Borealis. When the room had been active before the ceiling had been only white, and it was now more three dimensional like it was actually coming down from whatever lay beyond. The colours seemed brighter, the pictures on the screen less fuzzy, more focused. It was still hard to interpret exactly what he was seeing, still going totally by instinct without really knowing how he was doing it, but he was sure the room was more vibrant. Did that mean they had strengthened their bond?

The screen caught his eye again, jerking him out of his musings.

_I’ll see you later, Alexander. Good stay._

“Yeah, see you.” 'Good stay'? Maybe he wasn't as good at deciphering the messages as he thought.

Magnus nodded with a smile, and then turned to Izzy.

“Can you show me the way out, my dear?”

“Sure, this way.” Izzy gestured Magnus out ahead of her, and tuned back to wiggle her eyebrows at her brother suggestively. Alec pulled an incredulous face, and then stuck his tongue out at her. She laughed as she left the room, talking to Magnus as she led him back through the hallways.

Alec let out a sigh as he went to close the door, and it quickly turned into a yawn. What time was it anyway? He had to do a double take when he looked at his alarm clock. It had been hours! Where the hell had the time gone? All they had done was stand about and then puke. He was certain he hadn't been bent over the tub for more than fifteen minutes or so. How long had they stood with their fingers pressed together like lunatics?

Holy shit.

Despite the shock that was racing through his system he let out another jaw cracking yawn, and decided that the best thing was to sleep. He could quiz Izzy about it in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one in this story is suicidal, Alec is simply musing on the permanence of the bond and thinks about death being the only way it will ever break. This is probably the only time it will ever come up and isn't part of the story so I won't tag for it, but I know some people who are sensitive to the word when it takes them by surprise and I don't want to blindside anybody.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after the night before, and Alec doesn't really want to talk to anybody about anything. But a conversation about cats is oddly enlightening.

It was well past noon when he woke up the next day. Although the pains of yesterday were long gone, his head ached a little at having been lying down for so long. As he stumbled to his feet he thought it was also probably dehydration. He was so tired the night before that all he could do was fall straight into his bed. Grabbing the first clothes he could lay eyes on, yesterday’s jeans and another black t-shirt, he headed to the kitchen for a very late breakfast and some water.

Clary was sitting at the table, bangles jingling along her wrists as she texted someone. She looked up at him as he entered and smiled.

“Good afternoon, sleepyhead.” He let out a pitiful sounding groan in reply and lurched towards the cupboards in search of a bowl to pour cereal into. “Rough night?”

“That’s one way to put it,” he replied, setting his bowl on the counter and going to rummage for cereal. “Where’s Jace?”

Clary shrugged. “He left about two minutes after I got here, saying he’d be back soon. I have no idea where he’s going.”

“Still trying to keep secrets from you, huh?” After putting the milk back in the fridge he sat opposite Clary at the table and dug in.

“We’re getting better at that actually. We’re not randomly broadcasting anymore.”

“Good for you.”

Every bonded pair had their own particular difficulties. With Magnus and him, the difficulty was Alec himself. With Jace and Clary the difficulty was in moderating themselves. Both were confident, outspoken people who weren’t used to censoring themselves or thinking their actions through. When the bond established between them, there was very little they didn’t learn about each other very quickly. While Alec didn’t know the details, good Lord did he not want details, knowing his brother there was a lot of very personal stuff exchanged. The trust between them had been broken a few times when one of them let slip something the other had thought, and while it had shaken their relationship it had been a good influence on both of them. They knew each other better than they knew themselves now, and had learned how to respect other people’s points of view in the process.

“So how’s your man doing?” The look on Clary’s face was a look he had seen on Jace’s multiple times, and it was always a bad sign. It was the look that said ‘I want to embarrass you’. So Alec just took another spoonful of his cereal and shrugged.

The look she threw him then was also very familiar, and Alec wondered if every bonded pair would eventually end up using each other’s expressions. He hadn’t noticed it much in Simon and Isabelle, but Jace and Clary were slowly but surely merging into one person. This look was one that meant he should probably just give her what she wants. It was infinitely less painful that way.

“I don’t know, Clary. We met up, we had an early dinner, we came back here because Izzy was determined that we needed to get over the Stretch as quickly as possible, then the both of us ended up puking our guts out in my bathroom before he left roughly three hours after he got here. I haven’t spoken to him yet, I just woke up, and I doubt he’s fully awake either.”

In fact he was sure Magnus was still asleep. The bond room was quiet, the screen flickering softly in random patterns and the glittery specks floating lazily to the floor before fading away. There was no bite to the room now, just a peaceful, settled feeling. Alec could almost feel Magnus’ soft breathing in the way the air moved.

He jerked back from that thought, slamming the mental door shut. That was too close. He needed to get a grip on his own bond room, find a block like Magnus had done. He still had no idea how he was going to do that, even now he could still feel his mental self pressed up against the inside of the door, but there must be a way. Hopefully it wouldn’t result in another night of puking for both of them.

“Sounds awesome.” Jace had come swaggering in while Alec was lost in thought. He glanced up at his brother as the blonde took off his leather jacket and slung it over one shoulder in a way that made him look unfairly attractive. Clary must have thought so too, because she got up and was all over him.

Alec stared determinedly at his cereal, and shovelled more in before it could get too soggy. It wasn’t that he was jealous, oh no. He had been attracted to his brother very briefly, before he was old enough to know what attraction really was, but the small flame that had been steadily burning was snuffed out before it could reach a full on blaze. It was something he had mourned for a time, but the fear had been too overwhelming and his family were too good to him for it to have lasted long. Besides, Jace was meant for Clary and Alec would never want to get in their way.

“Next time we get to be the chaperones, right Alec?” Alec rolled his eyes.

“You can fight Izzy for the privilege Clary.”

“Great, she’ll let me win.”

“But Simon might not,” he warned as he stood up to dispose of his bowl in the sink. “He and Magnus shared a geek moment. They’re pretty much inseparable now.”

This comment started Jace on another rant about Simon. While he was distracted, and by good fortune also distracting Clary, Alec slipped away. He was still feeling rough from the night before, and he didn’t think he could take both of his outgoing friends at the same time. He loved them both to pieces, but not this soon after waking up. Not when the topic of discussion was a reminder that he would have to see Magnus again. He was not only the near stranger who could see inside his head and let out all of his dark secrets, he was now also the man he had spent a night puking in front of. It was mortifying, and Alec wasn’t sure he would ever recover. Magnus must be regretting their bonding now more than ever, and the worst part was that Alec wasn’t sure how he felt about that. While it was true that he never wanted to bond with anyone, the thought of Magnus not wanting to be with him anymore sent a strange pang through him.

Pushing the thoughts away, he decided to go back to his room. He needed some quiet to reset himself: being around other people right now was just going to grate on him and make him even less sociable than he usually was.

*~*~*

He felt it the instant Magnus woke up.

He had been lounging on his bed, trying desperately to lose himself if a book about psychic teenagers he had found on his bookshelf. He wasn’t entirely sure where this particular book had come from, but it was entertaining enough for him to be able to forget his own worries. He would never admit that he liked it, though.

Then there was a faint buzzing in his head. The bond room was shifting, waking up. The colours on the screen and in the ceiling were more vibrant, the glitter swirling a little harder as it fell. Alec watched as most of it evaded him, the little sparks that were almost translucent moving out of his way as he moved around the room.

Curiosity getting the better of him he settled down to watch the screen. He saw a lot of green and guessed Magnus felt as rough as he did. Shame flitted down Alec’s spine: he was the reason the other man was uncomfortable.

Surprise lit the air around him.

_Alec? Are you alright?_

Alec sighed.

**Yeah, I suppose. How about you?**

_I’ve had worse mornings. At least my cat isn’t sitting on my head._

**You have a cat?**

Alec wasn’t sure why this new information surprised him. Magnus did seem like the kind of guy who would rather live on the street than bring an animal into his living space. Either that or he would have some wacky, exotic pet. Like a boa constrictor.

_I have two: Chairman Meow and Church._

**You wake up with two cats on your head?**

_Oh no, only one. The Chairman is the affectionate one: I found him in an alley when he was a kitten. Church, on the other hand, has been through quite a lot. I agreed to look after him when a friend with a terminal illness came to the end of his life, and he rescued Church from an abusive home before that. He’s a grumpy son of a bitch with a lot of social issues, but I love him despite it all. I wouldn’t give him up for the world._

Something heavy settled in the pit of Alec’s stomach. This cat sounded a lot like him, but Magnus loved it despite its flaws. Perhaps the same could be said about Alec, but he didn’t dare hope. He would never have a normal relationship. He knew that and he accepted that. And maybe, just maybe, Magnus would accept it too.

**He's lucky to have you.**

There was a pause as Magnus considered his next words. Alec could practically feel the other man reading his thoughts, and a half-hearted sense of panic started flailing in the back of his mind.

_I'm lucky to have him too,_ he said eventually.  _James was the only person Church would let pick him up. Not me, not James' fiancee. Looking after him reminds me of the kind of man James was. The kind of man I've always aimed to be._

Alec could feel the loss that Magnus felt, and the desire to be better than it. There was a hole where his friend should be, like a wound that was festering. Thinking about James, and looking after his cat, that was helping. Alec could see the way it was healing, slowly but surely.

**I'm sorry.** He couldn't think of anything else to say.

_Thank you for listening._

There was more than words in that last statement, there was a feeling that bounced along their connection, one Alec didn't think he would ever have earned from anybody. It was trust.

And Alec understood then. The wound in Magnus' soul wasn't just for the loss of his friend, it was older and deeper than that. Magnus was showing Alec one of his weak points, making himself more vulnerable in order to make Alec feel more comfortable. He got the distinct impression that the flamboyant, ostentatious man on the other end of the bond never talked about James, or anyone else involved in creating that wound.

**Thank you for telling me.**

An image flitted over the screen, too fast for Alec to see it clearly, but he got the gist. A sad smile, and hope for the future.

The panic that had been woken in the back of his head was gone again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Clace's turn to babysit Malec on a date.

The Stretch limit for Magnus and himself turned out to be four days. Four. Days. It was ridiculous. It was the shortest time he’d ever seen in real life, which had previously been Jace and Clary’s five. No one had a Stretch limit of a few days, it was too impractical. Very few people had less than a week. And here he was sitting precariously on the cusp of their fourth day apart, feeling that slight ache in his bones that he recognised from their first separation.

Of course Clary was trying to look like she was sorry about his circumstances, but in reality she was ecstatic about getting to sit in on one of their ‘dates’. Izzy had handed over the chaperone job only after asking Alec if he was okay with it. Alec was, of course: Jace was his brother and his best friend, and Clary was able to reel herself in when needed. He wasn’t worried that they would embarrass him, not when they knew he was already struggling.

Simon had grumbled a little about not getting to share more conspiracies over dinner, but Izzy had distracted him in ways Alec didn’t want to think about and he had finally given them his wholehearted blessing, complete with a dopey grin.

So here they were again, this time in a restaurant of Magnus’ choosing. Alec had never been there before, although Jace said he had and their curry was excellent. So Alec had the korma, which Jace made fun of as he always did. Alec was in no way afraid of spicy food, but there was just something divine about a good korma.

The food came quicker than Alec was expecting it to, and they all dug in. Jace had been right, it was excellent. They had a table in the corner again, and Magnus was right in the far corner (wearing a bright blue silk shirt, Alec made sure to take notice this time) while Alec sat diagonally from him and nearest the door. In all honestly Alec didn’t think the arrangement was totally necessary this time, but Jace was in protective mode and Magnus had chosen that seat voluntarily. Plus he wasn’t quite sure he could voice this thought without giving off the wrong impression. He did not, in any way, want to sit beside Magnus. Across from him maybe; the thought wasn’t quite as terrifying as it had been on other occasions. Clary sat in that position though, putting her right beside Magnus. This gave her the opportunity to grill him, while Jace sat across from him in order to stare him down.

Magnus took it all in his stride, answering Clary’s questions and being almost comically polite to Jace. Alec was impressed. He had known that this date would probably be harder on Magnus than it would be on him. Jace and Clary were more for offence than defence, and Alec had seen firsthand what could happen to anyone that got on their bad side.

“So you own Pandemonium?” Clary was asking, twirling her hair around her finger as she tended to do when she was actually interested in a conversation.

“Yes, my business partner and I co-own it,” Magnus replied. “I don’t suppose you’ve met Will if you’ve only been there a few times.”

“Actually that night was the first time we had ever been.” Magnus let his draw drop in a look of absolute scandal.

“Now Biscuit, that just won’t do!” Clary’s eyebrows shot up at the nickname, a contradiction to Jace whose face fell into an offended looking frown. “Will has been pestering me to let him meet Alec and, I quote, “his crazy family”.”

“No one here is crazy, except maybe you Sparkles,” Jace all but growled.

Alec glanced curiously at him. That was his angry voice, the genuine one and not the playful one. Was Jace _that_ offended that Magnus’ friend had called him crazy?

“I am well aware,” Magnus replied evenly. “In all honesty it’s probably _my_ little family that’s the crazy one. I mean you have me, Mr. Sparkles.” He gestured to himself like one of those over the top divas in the shitty soap opera shows Izzy watched on TV. “And you have Will the psychic slut with a penchant for tall tales. Then there is Catarina. No woman on Earth could compete against her beauty, or her ability to not tell you anything about herself. Although I do know one thing.” Here he paused for dramatic effect, watching as Clary all but leaned closer. “She knows the Heimlich manoeuvre.”

Alec couldn’t help it, he let out a sharp bark of laughter that devolved into an unattractive snorting sound as he tried to stifle it. Jace was looking at him as if he’d lost his mind, and Clary had a hand over her mouth to hide her own grin. Magnus was grinning too: a soft, happy look that took years off his appearance.

Managing to get himself under control, Alec couldn’t help but banter back. “And you have personal experience of this, do you?” He managed to ignore the way his friends’ eyes slid towards him and the disbelieving looks on their faces.

“I have personal experience of watching her perform it on Will.” Magnus chuckled at the memory. “He decided he was going to challenge one of our regulars to a martini downing competition. Old Molly declined, but Will decided to start downing martinis anyway. Of course he ended up choking on an olive.”

“This Will guy sound like a character,” Jace grumbled, his eyes hard.

“Honey, he sounds like you,” Clary sassed back.

_Shots fired._

Alec almost replied out loud before he realised Magnus was projecting mentally.

 **You haven’t seen anything yet,** he replied. **This is practically foreplay for them.**

_Oh really?_

Alec nodded, which caught Jace’s eye.

“What are you saying about me?” Clary rolled her eyes.

“Honestly Jace, it’s not like they can be thinking anything worse than we were in the beginning.”

“Urgh,” he groaned, letting his head fall into his hand. “Don’t remind me.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow.

**They had trouble filtering themselves mentally.**

“Ah,” Magnus sighed in understanding. “I did often wonder how one would keep secrets in the bond. We don’t seem to have that problem.”

If it weren’t for the emotions and the vague hint of meaning that was flickering past his mental screen, Alec might have mistaken that for an accusation. As it was, Alec could feel a gratefulness pass over his bondmate. It was a feeling he shared on the matter; he was incredibly grateful that Magnus couldn’t read his darkest thoughts, and he had already guessed that Magnus had some dark thoughts of his own.

“Thank God,” he said aloud, seeing that Jace had indeed taken that last statement the wrong way. He seemed really on edge tonight, and Alec wondered why. Usually he could keep his cool better than this.

“Lucky you,” Clary added. “We had each other’s voices in our heads constantly from the moment the bond established. It was really hard to tell whether he was talking out loud or not and sometimes we got it wrong.”

Magnus got a peculiar look on his face at this information. “So you actually hear each other’s voices in your head? That clearly?”

“Yes,” Clary answered, her own expression slightly confused. “Don’t you?”

Alec shook his head. “It’s deeper than that,” he said thoughtfully. “A lot more instinctual. Pictures and emotions mostly, plus this weird feeling I can’t quite define. Although sometimes I think I get it wrong.”

“How so?” Magnus asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever gotten anything wrong.”

“Well,” Alec stopped to take a sip of his water, trying to think how best to explain it. “It’s not so much getting it wrong. It’s more like... a mistranslation? For example, after our last meeting when you were leaving, you said goodbye mentally. Or at least that’s what I thought you said. The exact words that came to mind were “good stay”.”

Magnus’ fork hit his empty plate with a clatter that drew the attention of the other clientele.

“Oh my God, I never thought about that,” he breathed, a look of wonder on his face. “That makes so much more sense.”

“Mind filling the rest of us in?” Jace asked sarcastically. Magnus grinned at him.

“ _Selamat tinggal_ ,” he said, a note of excitement in his voice. “I know my English is perfect, but it’s not actually my first language.”

Alec started. He had been hearing Magnus’ thoughts in a different _language_? That made _perfect_ sense! The feeling, - the hard to pin down, knowing what he meant without actually knowing - that was it. It was like they were sharing mental computer files without the right software to run them properly, and so all they got was what was common to both file types: pictures, feelings, and the knowledge of what the words meant.

“What language is that?” he asked. The accent he had been so fascinated with when they had first met still had a strangely calming effect on him. He was always very aware of it, but he had never guessed that English was his second language. He supposed that was the curse of the native English speaker: the ability to live life only speaking one language.

“Bahasa,” he said. “It’s the official language of Indonesia, and the Indonesian language I am most familiar with.”

“Wait,” said Jace, staring between the two. “You’ve been speaking to each other in different languages? And you never noticed?” The look on his face was disbelieving.

Alec shrugged. He wasn’t sure what to say, except that it made perfect sense to him.

“So it _was_ a mistranslation?” Clary asked. “When Alec heard “good stay” instead of “goodbye”.”

“No, no,” Magnus said, practically glowing from sheer joy. “It was a _direct_ translation. _Selamat tinggal_ means goodbye, but its direct translation into English is “good stay”. As opposed to _selamat jalan_ ,” he added. “That means “good journey”.”

“I can see why Simon likes you,” Clary said, her face impressed. Jace was still glowering, but there was an undercurrent of awe leaking through his sour expression. As Alec watched, it lightened even more. He glanced up at Clary to see her staring intently at her soulmate. Whatever Jace was thinking, Clary was definitely giving him something more to think about.

Looking to his own soulmate, Alec read the joy of knowledge imparted on his face and in his emotions.

**So what happens if I think ‘selamat tinggal’?**

Magnus’ happy grin got even wider as he replied _I still hear it in Bahasa. What about good stay?_

**I’m still hearing it in English. Which is a shame because you speaking another language is...**

He slammed on the mental brakes as fast as he could. No. He was not thinking that. That was not a thought he was having and he was in no way thinking it.

“The two of you better not be thinking dirty thoughts,” Magnus said suddenly. Jace and Clary broke away from their staring contest to look at him, identical expressions of their faces. “I’m getting a definite vibe.”

“Shut up, Sparkles,” Jace growled, but there was a hint of pink on his cheeks that was a dead giveaway that they had, indeed, been mind-fucking.

“Oh my God guys, really?” Alec said, feeling much more himself now he had someone else’s embarrassment to focus on. “We’re right here.”

Clary let out a nervous giggle, and even that was enough to bring a smirk to Jace’s lips. He gave a nonchalant shrug.

“Can you blame me?” Clary aimed a kick under the table.

“Stop it you, or I won’t do that thing you love with my...”

“Hey hey hey, stop now before I die of embarrassment!” Alec could feel his own blush creeping up his face.

Magnus had opened his mouth to throw in his own objection, but at that moment his phone rang. He stared down at it for a second before using the hand that was mid-gesture to reach into his pocket.

“It’s Will,” he said apologetically. “I should get this.”

Clary got up to let him out as he answered, telling his business partner to hold on a second while he got some privacy.

“I can’t believe you can talk to someone in another language,” Clary gushed after watching Magnus’ journey to the front door.

“I can’t believe you never realised,” Jace added. “Seriously, how did you not know?”

Alec shrugged again. “It’s not like we _actually_ talk when we... talk,” he tried to explain. “It’s more like instinct. I feel a tug, maybe a slight vibration, I see colours and I get a feeling. And somehow, from all that, I know exactly what he’s saying. It’s my own mind that supplies the words to go along with his thoughts. You know what I mean?”

He nodded his head yes. "No," he said seriously. “I don’t get it at all. It’s clear as mud.”

Clary aimed another kick at him. “I think I can understand what you mean, Alec,” she said, turning to face him and away from a sulking Jace. “But it’s so different from my own experiences that I can’t say I know what you’re talking about.”

“Fair enough,” he replied. He couldn’t say he knew what it would be like to communicate purely in words, with no feelings attached. That, to him, was a foreign concept.

His eyes were drawn upwards as Magnus hurried back over to them.

“I‘m going to have to go and sort this out. The place just falls apart without me,” he sighed. “Could you pass me my jacket, Clary dear? Thank you.” In some magical move that made him look like Houdini, he had his jacket on. “Jace, it has been an absolute pleasure.” He rifled through his wallet for a few bills and handed them to Clary. “Clary my dear, thank you for the pleasant conversation. Alec,” he turned to face his soulmate, his slightly frantic look calming a little.

_I’ll see you in four days._

Alec smiled. He couldn’t help it, there was such warmth to Magnus’ expression. **See you then. Probably talk to you before then.**

Magnus laughed. “Probably,” he agreed out loud. Then with a wave he was heading back towards the exit.

There was a beat of silence as Alec watched him leave.

“Your boyfriend is weird.” Alec turned to look at his brother, one eyebrow raised in a silent challenge. “But,” Jace continued. “I think he’s good for you.”

Alec couldn’t quite describe the feeling that Jace’s blessing gave him. It was a weight he hadn’t known he was carrying, and now it was gone. For all that they were very different people, Alec held him in high regard. Jace’s indifference, and sometimes all out hostility, towards Magnus had been bothering him. Now he knew it was just Jace’s way of testing the boundaries. Now the blonde knew that Magnus would not be intimidated by him, he could relax a little knowing that Alec was in good hands. So to speak.

Of course he couldn’t go all mushy on his brother, so he said a quiet thank you and that was the end of it. It was all he needed to say.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's still early days, and Alec can't help but fret over this awkward transitional stage and how much he has to offer a relationship. As it turn out, Magnus has some good advice when it comes to accepting yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long (and it feels quite short so sorry about that too) but I was literally writing 200 words and then getting distracted and losing my train of thought entirely. I have a feeling this might happen often, but 200 words at a time is better than zero. Fear not, if I'm not updating quickly it's because I'm adding and editing which will only make it better in the long run. Hopefully.

Two days after the date, and Alec was spending another afternoon lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Izzy was at her kickboxing class, and Jace was at work. Even Clary and Simon were at school. He was alone in the manor with no motivation to do anything but lie there. And so he thought about Magnus and their last date. He still couldn’t believe that he was going on dates, like a normal person. Well normal people didn’t need to take their siblings as backup in the event that they went totally crazy or had a nervous breakdown, but it was a step in the right direction none the less. And it had been a good date as well, except for Jace’s attitude but that hadn’t really spoiled anything.

And that’s when he realised Jace had called Magnus his boyfriend. At the time he had been too distracted by the bilingual revelation, and the fact that Jace had called Magnus weird, to pay much attention to the rest of the sentence. He paid attention now, suddenly finding the energy to get up and pace his room. All of his awareness was focused on that one point in his memory. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it.

Okay that was a lie: he didn’t feel good about the word boyfriend. It was too much for him to handle right now, and implied all sorts of things Alec didn’t want to imply. He liked Magnus, he was willing to admit that, and he was a very handsome man. But it couldn’t go further than the inside of his own head. He was definitely not ready for Magnus to be able to tell these things about him, although Alec knew that the other man had _way_ more experience than he did in relationships and probably didn’t even need their bond to be able to tell Alec found him attractive. That didn’t mean he had to admit to it. There was too much Alec knew he wouldn’t be able to give the man, and it was precisely because Alec liked him so much that he didn’t want to lead him on. The path in front of him was clear: don’t take it further, don’t let him know you find him attractive, keep him at a safe distance. Alec was fine with being 'casual acquaintances, with a view to eventual friendship'. He wondered if they were at the friendship stage yet, but decided he would probably just know. There was no way he could think of asking without sounding like a total dork; or worse, _needy_. He didn’t want Magnus to know just how fucked up he was. He had already had a few panic attacks in front of him, but the _why_ was still a mystery, or so Alec hoped. A general ‘your soulmate is fucked up’ was a hell of a lot better than ‘your soulmate is terrified of touching other human beings because of a bad man’.

Alec’s breath caught at the thought of Mr. Morgenstern. He had been Alec’s neighbour until his parents had found out what was going on. That was when they had moved into Institutum Manerio, and why. His parents hadn’t wanted their children to grow up in a manor house in the middle of nowhere. They wanted them to have friends and neighbours; a normal life.

He let out a wry chuckle at that thought. Good intentions pave the way to Hell. And now here he was, trying desperately to avoid thinking any more on the topic both for his own sanity and on the off chance Magnus was picking any of this up. He still wasn’t sure how to block off his thoughts, and there was only one way he could think of to find out.

He tried to focus on his bondmate, and got a vague sense of ‘work’. He didn’t want to interrupt Magnus at work, but there was also a strong sense of boredom and a longing for a break. Alec guessed he was doing paperwork, and had been for some time. So, taking a deep breath, he decided to bite the bullet.

**Um, do you have a sec?**

_Of course, what’s up?_ The reply was instantaneous, and carried a hint of surprise as well as a flood of relief. Alec was surprised he was asking this too, but was glad he had guessed right that Magnus needed a break.

**Well, um... do you think that maybe you could tell me how you blocked off the bond that one time maybe?**

There was a pause, and Alec was sure Magnus was about to lay into him. Way to stammer over your own words, Lightwood. Did that even make any sense? Fear was clawing its way over him and oh my God how could he have thought this was a good idea? He was so stupid, Magnus would never talk to him again and the Stretch would take hold and they would...

_Alec, calm down. It’s okay, I’m not mad. I’m just trying to think of a way to explain, hold on a sec._

Alec took a few gasping breaths and sat back on his bed, his head in his hands. Jesus. What was he doing? He wasn’t the guy who asked for help, he was the guy that suffered in silence until someone saw and offered to help. He wasn’t courageous enough to ask for help, and honestly? Most of the time he felt he wasn’t deserving of it. There were other people in the world with issues that made his look like absolutely nothing in comparison. He was just a coward, a fucking useless coward.

_Hey now, don’t beat yourself up Alec._

Ah shit, Magnus had been paying attention. Embarrassment came over him like a wave.

**Um, sometimes I just need to get it out of my system.**

This was only a very slight lie. Usually if he hated on himself enough he would wear the self hatred out, and then he could build himself back up again. But it never left completely, and it always came back full force at some point. That was the danger of beating yourself up with the truth; you could never really escape it.

 _I have a feeling that’s not entirely true._ Magnus replied. _Here, this is something a friend of mine told me once and maybe it will help a little: life is a journey you walk alone. Your experiences are yours; your memories are yours, as are your joys and your pains. They are yours and only yours, so if someone else tries to tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling pain because of a certain experience you tell them to go fuck themselves because they are not you and they have no idea what you feel. What you experience as you walk your path is valid for_ you _. You are_ valid _, Alexander. And don’t you let anyone, not me, or strangers on the street, not even yourself, say otherwise._

With the words came a strong sense of protectiveness. There was a brief image of a man that looked quite a lot like him, but his eyes were blue instead of brown and he was wearing a tank top which showed off a tattoo sleeve. He was very definitely not Alec, but he got the sense this was someone Magnus cared for very much; quite possibly the very person who had given this speech in the first place.

 **Was that the guy who told you that?** Alec focused on the picture he had seen hoping Magnus would be able to see it too.

_We can send pictures now? Cool. And yes, that’s Will._

**The guy who owns Pandemonium with you?**

_Yes. He has gotten me through some rough times, and I’ve done the same for him._

**He gives good advice.**

There was a definite grin coming across the bond now, and Alec couldn’t help but let his own lips twitch into a small smile.

_On this occasion he did. Most of the time his advice is terrible, take everything he says with a grain of salt._

**Will do.**

Alec wasn’t sure what to say next, and the silence between them started stretching into uncomfortable.

_Do you still want to hear how I muted the bond?_

Alec thought about it. He wasn’t freaking out anymore, and talking to Magnus seemed to be the reason. Shutting down this method of communication was maybe a bad idea, but they knew now that their Stretch period was only four days. He would be forced to talk to him regularly, sometimes twice a week so it was doubtful that anything terrible would happen in between. Besides, when it came to mental control it was probably best to have as much control as possible lest they end up like Jace and Clary. It would be nice to have that option even if he never used it.

Magnus had been waiting patiently while Alec sorted through his thoughts, and he was grateful to find the other man had been keeping himself busy with paperwork to try and avoid overhearing what he was thinking.

**Yes.**

_Alright then. This is what I see..._


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a rare day off, and spends it doing nothing much. Unfortunately any peace he finds is shattered as someone from his past decides look him up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... is not quite how I imagined the story would pan out. I've heard people say that it's the characters and not the authors that write a story, and now I believe it. Oh well, I'll just have to shuffle some stuff around. It's an adventure for all of us now :)
> 
> God knows when the next chapter will be out, fair warning. Hopefully it won't be too long, but I'm going on holiday soon and there's a lot to be done before then. And probably after too.

MPOV

This whole four day thing was freaking him out a bit, and he wasn’t sure why exactly. Sitting at home on a rare day off, he thought about Alexander as he often did. His bondmate was never far from his thoughts (being literally in his head not withstanding) but Magnus hadn’t ever thought of him with anything but fondness before.

Now, after telling him how he had closed off the bond, he felt different. Perhaps it was Alec’s own frustration: it seemed the bond didn’t have as simple a setup on his end as it did on Magnus’. He had asked for a description, and gotten a shaky image in return. As far as he could tell, Alec’s bond room was 360O of sensation. Magnus liked to think that Alec was inside the crystal ball he could see in his own bond room; the two were certainly polar opposites. While the essence of Alec was concentrated in the centre of Magnus’ room, Alec was being constantly bombarded from all sides with the essence of Magnus. The young man had asked for help in figuring out how to mute it all, but Magnus wasn’t sure either. Not without being there in person and having a good snoop around, maybe an experiment or two in order to test any hypotheses he happened to come up with. But Alec was absolutely terrified of letting Magnus in any further than he already was, and Magnus respected that.

He sighed and leaned back on his sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table and reaching for the remote control. Maybe he could catch a few reruns of House, or find a good ghost story to relax into. He had been wound tight recently; all of the thoughts he was having about Alexander, good or bad, were taking their toll on him. He needed something mind numbing or otherwise distracting so he could just stop thinking for a while and decompress.

Flipping through the channels and finding nothing but crappy reality TV he couldn’t care less about, he sighed heavily and made to get up. Of course that was when Chairman Meow decided he wanted cuddles and launched himself into Magnus’ lap. Before he knew it, Magnus was pinned to the sofa with whiskers tickling his lips as the little cat rubbed his head all over his master’s face.

He couldn’t help laughing, which the Chairman took to mean keep going because he dug his claws into Magnus’ chest to keep from falling off as he purred at the top of his little lungs

“Ow! Okay, I’ll stop moving I promise,” he said, scratching lightly at the furry head. The purring intensified marginally, and the claws in his chest started kneading happily. He spent the next few minutes trying desperately to detach the cat from his shirt without ripping it or dislodging his friend too much, knowing full well that an angry meow and a swipe to the face would follow if his royal highness were angered.

Eventually the Chairman was content to just sit and wipe his face against Magnus’ shirt collar. With nothing better to do Magnus decided to just let it happen, wet spot be damned. There was a book on the coffee table he could reach without moving too much, so he picked it up and started flipping through. It was a book on the medicinal properties of various herbs, and he had been meaning to look a few things up.

His apartment was surprisingly spacious considering the rent he paid, and it was mostly open plan. The bathroom was just the right size for a comfortable shower with enough storage space for his makeup and other various bathroom-y objects. His bedroom was actually the smaller of the two: he found it to be more comfortable than the master bedroom which he used for various other purposes, including a small indoor herb garden. The plants livened up the place a little, and some of the more fragrant plants were a definite bonus to gardening. While he had never been much of a cook, there was something magical about using your own home grown herbs. He figured that while he was at it he may as well see what kinds of plants he could grow to help various ailments. Maybe he could start his own pharmacy.

He snorted a little at the thought: no way would he have enough time to run a side business as well as the bar, not to mention the time he was dedicating to working on his relationship with Alexander. No, some mint to help digestion and some lavender for the scent, maybe a sage plant for the healing properties and coriander for his curry. He’d need to see what kind of conditions aloe vera grows in. Maybe he could build an outdoor garden on the roof of the building without letting his landlord know. Hell, maybe there was a community garden he didn’t know about. He should probably check.

He was startled out of his musings by Chairman Meow, who jerked suddenly upright and then darted right over Magnus’ face. Spluttering, he sat up and put his book back on the coffee table. He turned towards the door as it swung open, revealing a harried looking Ragnor.

Frowning, Magnus got to his feet.

“What’s wrong, Cabbage?”

Ragnor put his hands on his bended knees, leaning forwards slightly as he caught his breath.

“There was a man,” he panted. “Looking for you at the bar.”

Magnus frowned, confused. So there was someone looking for him, it could be anyone: someone who knows him from the bar, possibly even one of Alec’s friends. Although why Jace or Simon would come looking for him instead of texting him was a mystery. Still, what had caused his oldest friend to come rushing through his door like a flustered hen?

“He said he was your father.”

~*~*~*~

Alec had his fork halfway to his mouth when something inside him exploded. Suddenly, without warning or any kind of trigger, he was panicking like he had never panicked before. There was a fist in his chest that was prying his ribcage open, crushing his lungs as it went further inside to grip his heart and stop it from beating. There was a terrible ringing in his ears and a haze over his eyes, but all that wasn’t really registering because he couldn’t think through the pain that was engulfing him...

...The next thing he knew he was laying on the kitchen floor, Jace keeping his legs propped up on a chair and Izzy leaning over him.

“Alec?” she called as he managed to focus his gaze on her. Ow, his back hurt.

“What happened?” he asked, frowning in confusion and wiggling his feet free of Jace’s grip. He made to stand up, but his brother stopped him by hovering a hand over his chest, making sure he didn’t actually touch.

“Woah there, buddy,” he said as he dropped to his knees beside Alec. “We were hoping you could tell us.”

Giving up on getting past Jace, Alec flopped back onto the floor with a huff. “I don’t know,” he said, running a hand down his face and trying to work out where the feelings had come from. Really there was only one explanation. “I think it came from Magnus.”

Suddenly worried, he tried to sit up again and this time Jace moved out of the way. Reaching for his bond room, he burst through the doors and flew towards the screen. It wasn’t showing much, just a little bit of static. Looking up he could see that the ceiling had solidified a little: it wasn’t moving and flowing like it should, it was a lot more opaque and there was hardly any glitter fluttering down. Anything that did fall did just that: no gliding or swirling, just a gray looking fuzz that went almost straight down like little confetti sized lead balloons.

“Shit, we need to check on him. Something’s wrong.”

Alec launched himself onto his feet, crashing into Jace as he did so. Jace had to shove him upright before he could get up too, and had to catch Alec again as his vision swam. Gripping him by the shoulders Jace sat Alec in a chair and stepped back as quickly as possible, not wanting to upset him further. But it seemed Alec hadn’t even noticed how many times he had been touched, and all he did was take a few deep breaths and stand up again.

“Where’s my phone?” He ran towards his bedroom to look for it, leaving his siblings looking worriedly after him.

“Is he about to phone Magnus?”

“I think so,” Izzy replied. She looked up at Jace. “Something is very, very wrong if Alec is willingly calling somebody that isn’t either of us.”

“It’s not even just that he’s willing, he’s _desperate_.” The two of them shared a look. “I’ll get the car and bring it to the front door. We’ll look for him at his bar first, and then see if anyone will tell us where he lives if he isn’t there.”

“Good plan, I’ll tell Alec.” Jace nodded as he turned and jogged towards the garage. Izzy made to go after her brother but found him rushing towards her, phone in hand.

“He’s not picking up,” he practically whimpered, a desperate look in his eye. “Izzy, he’s not picking up!”

“It’s okay, Jace is getting the car. We’ll go look for him.”

Alec practically flew towards the driveway, and Izzy hurried after him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lightwoods go searching for Magnus, and end up meeting some of his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catarina seems a little darker than I initially wanted her to be, but I'm rolling with it.  
> Also my holiday is coming up quick, so this'll probably be the last update for a while: a couple of weeks at the very least, probably more like three or four. You have been warned.

APOV

Damn Jace for driving, he was obeying all the stop signs and speed limits. There was a hollow feeling creeping up Alec’s spine, and every time he checked the bond for any improvement there was nothing. He had been trying to send messages but nothing was getting through. Why wasn’t anything getting through?

It was different from before when Magnus had blocked the bond. That time it was more like everything had been muted. Alec could still feel Magnus' presence, but it felt far away. Now it was almost completely absent. While the screen went pretty blank before, there were still a few faint monochrome pictures acting out. And the ceiling, well. Alec didn’t like the shade of grey it had turned. It was nothing like the brilliant white of a muted bond, and was as far as it could get from the usual rainbow aurora. It was like the whole place was just numb: dead, almost.

Alec thought he might hurl.

The inside of Jace’s car was saved by their timely arrival at Pandemonium. Alec threw the car door open and tumbled out, but stopped dead as soon as he set eyes on the bar. There were so many people.

Suddenly all the anxiety he had been able to push down in his desperation to get to Magnus erupted. There were so many people and he just knew Magnus wasn’t one of them. If he wasn’t here, Alec had no idea where else he could be. This city was a big place, and Alec had no idea where he lived. Why couldn’t he have just asked earlier? It wasn’t so hard for it to come up in a getting-to-know-you conversation, especially after Magnus had been to the Institutum. He did mention that he had an apartment in Brooklyn, but there were so many. He would never find him by guessing, it would take far too long.

“Alec?” Jace was standing beside him. “What’s wrong?” Alec couldn’t answer, his throat was closing up. “Oh shit,” he heard Jace say distantly. “Izzy, he’s losing it!”

He could feel the world start to sway around him, and he knew he wasn’t breathing properly but in order to control his body he needed to be able to feel it, which he currently couldn’t do. He could hear Izzy’s voice, distantly. He tried to latch onto it, to concentrate on the words she was speaking, but it was too hard. He could feel himself losing his grip on reality.

Then there were hands on him, and suddenly everything was back in sharp focus. He let out a screech and hit out, smacking someone across the jaw. He backed up against the car and watched, ready for anything, but no one came close to him.

“Alec?” Izzy’s voice came again, and this time he recognized that she was on his right side. He looked over at her. “Are you here?” Where else would he be? “You can put your fists down now; no one will touch you I promise.”

His fists? Looking at his arms, he didn’t find his hands by his side as he had expected. Instead his fists were clenched tight, the knuckles and flat of his fist gone white, and held out in front of him. Oh. He uncurled his fists and dropped them to his side, feeling the muscles in his hands protest at the strain he had put them under. He didn’t usually clench his hands that tightly: there were nail marks in his palms that were pretty close to bleeding. Thank God he kept his nails short.

Looking around for Jace, he found his brother a few feet away holding a tissue to his face to try and stop the bleeding from his nose. “Oh my God,” he breathed. “Did I hit you? Oh my God I’m so sorry!” Alec felt like the worst person ever. He’d hit Jace! Made him bleed, even. Holy shit. Shit shit shit.

But Jace just waved him away. “Nah man, it was totally my fault. I shouldn’t have grabbed you mid panic attack.”

Alec let out a shaky breath. Damn. He felt raw still, he needed to go home. There was no way he was up to going inside the bar to look for Magnus. Besides, he was pretty certain Magnus wasn’t there.

“Okay, new plan,” Izzy said. “You two are in no state to go into a respectable establishment, so you can wait in the car. I’ll go in and look for Magnus, and if I can’t find him I’ll ask someone who works there where he might be. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

As she turned to leave, Alec spoke up. “I don’t think Magnus is here, Izzy. So that means Will is taking a shift. He looks kind of like me but with longer hair, blue eyes and a tattoo sleeve.” He could see Jace frowning at him past the tissue he still had pressed to his face, but Izzy just nodded and went marching off towards the bar.

~*~*~*~

IPOV

 _Okay, this’ll be easy. I just need to look for the guy Alec described._ Izzy wasn’t sure where to even begin, though. The last time they were here Magnus had led them to a room that was practically invisible, and it was a sure bet there were more. What if Will was in one of those? She would never find him if that was the case.

A quick look around the main room didn’t yield any results, so the best bet to find an employee was behind the bar. Moving through the crowd with practised ease, she managed to make her way up to the end of the bar. The place was packed tonight, but the exotic looking woman mixing drinks by herself didn’t seem fazed by the crush of people surrounding her. She was quick and efficient, grabbing bottles without having to look and pouring different shots at light speed. It was hypnotizing to watch, but Izzy managed to pull herself out of it as she darted through the mob.

There were various shouts and grumbles as she cut in, and the woman behind the bar shot her a murderous look.

“If you don’t wait your turn you will be asked to leave,” she said evenly, still pouring drinks while keeping eye contact with Izzy. It was disconcerting, to say the least.

“I don’t want served, I’m looking for Magnus Bane.” The woman turned to the next customer just long enough to get their order, and then went straight back to work.

“Magnus is not in tonight.” She set a pint of beer on the counter, holding out her hand for the money. The customer fumbled the note into her hand and then wandered off with his change, somehow managing not to spill his drink as he went. Izzy sighed as she refocused her attention on the bartender.

“I thought as much. Can you tell me where he lives, then? It’s important.” The woman flicked her eyes at Izzy again.

“No.”

Thank God Alec wasn’t here; he would definitely be cowering in a corner by now. But in all the years Izzy had spent protecting Alec from the world she had learned a thing or two, namely the ability to link random information. This woman was exotic and mysterious, and had obviously been doing this for some time. After Jace and Clary had come back from babysitting Alec and Magnus the two of them had given her a full report: including when Magnus had mentioned a woman like this one.

“Catarina. May I call you Catarina?” For the first time since Izzy had arrived the woman looked startled. A shot glass overflowed as she didn’t right the tequila bottle in time. “Look, if you won’t tell me where I can find Magnus can you at least point me in the direction of Will? If Magnus isn’t in then that means Will is, right? I can see that you’re busy here, but this is important.”

Putting all the bottles down at last, Catarina sharpened her gaze. After a few seconds that felt like hours she motioned to someone in the crowd.

“Take this woman to Will.” The young man who had come scurrying over gave a short nod and a “yes, ma’am” before spinning on his heel and walking towards the back of the bar. Izzy struggled to keep up, finding it hard to keep the guy in sight. He was unusually short, and his dark clothes hid him in the dim room.

Finally he stopped at the foot of a staircase that seemed to lead up to the offices. “Up here,” he said, and started jogging up. Izzy followed at a more sedate pace, not sure what she might find at the top.

The young man knocked on the door. “Yeah?” A call came from inside. Opening the door, the employee Izzy had been following stepped through.

“This lady wants to talk to you,” he said, and then gestured Izzy inside.

Her assumptions had been correct; this was an office. In the centre of the room was a large desk piled high with paperwork and a desk lamp. Sitting behind it was the man Alec had described: tall, dark hair, blue eyes and a tattoo sleeve that he had proudly on display.

“Thank you Nigel,” he said, putting his pen down and running a hand through his hair. If he didn’t have a striking resemblance to Alec Izzy may have found him attractive. As it was, there were far more important things to be doing.

“My name is Isabelle Lightwood,” she began, trying to think how best to word this. It was unlikely that they would just hand out the address of one of the owners to a complete stranger.

“Ah, Magnus’ boy toy’s sister,” Will interrupted. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” He stood up from behind the desk and came around to meet her where she was still standing by the door. “What can I do for you, Miss?”

There was a cheeky grin on his face which threw Izzy off slightly. Alec had a similar smile, once upon a time.

“Something’s wrong with Magnus,” she said, deciding it was probably best to be direct. “I don’t know where he lives, and I was hoping you could tell me.”

Will raised an eyebrow. “Are you quite sure?”

“My brother is. He passed out and then woke up panicking. He’s frantic, and Magnus isn’t answering his phone.”

“Hmm,” Will replied, his hand coming up to his chin in a thinking pose meant to look sexy and mysterious. Izzy just thought it looked totally insincere. “Well, there was someone looking for him earlier. Ragnor went to tell him about it, let me see if I can get him on the phone.”

Will went back to his desk and shuffled a few piles around until he uncovered a cell phone. Izzy waited patiently by the door as he searched his contacts and hit call.

“Hey, Ragnor. Are you still at Magnus’?” Will’s face went from sunny to worried in the blink of an eye. “God damn,” he said. “I’ve got his boy’s sister in the office looking for him, she said something was wrong. Right, okay. I’ll send them over with Catarina, see what she can do. Right, call me when you know more.”

He hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket. “Follow me,” he said, and went marching back towards the bar. Izzy had to keep close behind to keep from being swallowed in the crowd. Will had a way of making the sea of people part before him, and they were at the bar in no time.

“Cat, take Miss Lightwood and her companions to Magnus’ house: it seems he’s in trouble. Raphael,” he beckoned to a pale man in the corner of the room. “You take over. Try not to fuck anything up.” Raphael rolled his eyes.

“It was one time, Will.”

“Don’t break any more of my glasses, Rafe,” Catarina threatened, but she handed the bottle she was holding to the new guy and was out from behind the bar a second later. She didn’t bother to check if Izzy was following her as she strode towards the front entrance.

~*~*~*~

APOV

Izzy had been gone a long time. What if no one would tell her anything? Was it really necessary for Alec to look for Magnus? What if he didn’t want to be found?

As much as Alec’s insecurities were telling him otherwise, there was that feeling of numbness he couldn’t shake. It was so very _un_ -Magnus. He was colourful and lively, he brought out the best in Alec. With him around everything came up roses. If Magnus needed a break from him, he was sure the other man would just tell him instead of disappearing. He would _know_ what kind of reaction Alec would have, he was sure of it. He was also pretty sure by this point that Magnus would never be intentionally cruel. Alec had seen some of the inside of his head, and while it was nowhere near enough for him to be certain he was sure that, on one level at least, Magnus did genuinely like and care about him.

This knowledge brought its own set of troubles, but Alec decided not to concentrate on them just now. Step one was making sure Magnus was okay.

“So,” said Jace from the driver’s seat as he turned to look at Alec in the back. “Do you think I should propose to Clary?”

The uneasy thoughts that were swirling around in his head screeched to a halt as his train of thought attempted to switch tracks.

“What?” Not the most eloquent thing he could have said, but it was all he had.

“I’ve been thinking about proposing,” Jace continued. “I don’t know if I should wait until she’s finished art school though; neither of us is exactly swimming in cash, and you know how expensive school is. Weddings are pretty pricey too. As much as I love you and Isabelle, I don’t really want to be still living with the two of you when I’m married no matter how huge the house is.”

He looked at Alec expectantly, but Alec’s brain was just a hum of vaguely confused sounding noises.

“Uh.” Great, they were coming out his mouth now. “Have you talked to Clary about marriage?”

Jace shrugged and looked down, playing with the cuff of his leather jacket. “I know she wants to get married some day,” he said. “I don’t know if she has a preference for _when_ , exactly.”

“You know if you’re worried about money, Mom and Dad wouldn’t mind helping out.” But Jace was already shaking his head.

“Marrying Clary means starting our life together; I don’t want to have to rely on anyone to get that start. It’s our life, we should make it ourselves.”

“You have a point,” Alec agreed. “But we’re still your family, and we would like to help whenever you go through with asking her. I think she’ll be thrilled.”

Jace gave him a soft smile in return, one Alec didn’t often see. He wasn’t sure if anyone else had ever seen it except Clary and himself.

He didn’t have much time to contemplate it though, because he could see Izzy coming back with a stranger in tow. He swallowed hard as he and Jace watched the woman stride towards a black car on the opposite side of the street. What make it was he couldn’t tell: he wasn’t a car person, he didn’t really care.

“Follow her,” Izzy said as she slid into the passenger seat. “She’ll take us to Magnus.” Jace nodded and started the engine, his eyes already locked on the stranger’s car.

Alec was looking at his sister’s face in the mirror. She was trying to hide it, but there was a strained sort of calm in her eyes. Alec knew that there was definitely something wrong now, and all of the humiliation he felt stirring under the surface was worth every last second of discomfort if it meant he wasn’t wrong and Magnus did need help.

**Don’t worry, I’m coming.**

He wasn’t sure if Magnus got the message, the bond room was still creepily silent, but he had to try anyway. It was all he could do while sitting in the back seat of his brother’s car, following a stranger God knows where. He was still totally helpless.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finally lays his eyes on Magnus, and he has to be brave one more time. Magnus needs him to be brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this certainly doesn't seem like 4 weeks. I guess that holiday did me some good after all, I wrote almost 2000 words in one day. Let's hope it continues!  
> Special shoutout to Story_geek who gave me [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndGfTS7sxx8) beautiful cover of [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY) fabulous song, which is now my favourite thing ever.

APOV

The ride to Magnus’ apartment was actually quite quick. Alec spent the whole time on the edge of his seat staring out the window, but he couldn’t have told anyone how to get there. It looked like a nice place: the street was fairly clean, the building only had a little graffiti on it and there were no cracked windows or shouting youths. Still, being in a new place unnerved him. He kept close to his brother and sister as they all trailed behind Catarina, who looked oddly normal in this setting despite the long black dress and heavy makeup that served as her work uniform. Or maybe she dressed like that all the time, Alec didn’t know.

The building entrance was also well kept even if it was slightly dated. Catarina, still totally silent, led them towards the stairs and up one flight to a door numbered 102. Alec held his breath as she knocked. What was on the other side? Was Magnus covered in blood? What about this Ragnor guy, what was he like? What the hell happened to the bond? Alec hoped there were answers on the other side of the door.

He couldn’t help the shocked inhale when an older man opened the door, his face grim and blood on his hands.

“He’s over here,” the man said as he led them into the apartment. Alec guessed that this was Ragnor.

And there, in the corner of the room, was Magnus. He had a cut on his forehead, which explained the blood, and a blank look on his face. Alec was suddenly terrified. He stood back, frozen to the spot as Catarina strode towards him, calling his name. He didn’t respond, not until she was close enough to touch at which point he let out a shriek and hit out. Catarina was quick on her feet, dodging his attack and taking a few hasty steps backwards.

“What the fuck happened?” Jace breathed from Alec’s right side, his eyes focused on Magnus. He was pressing himself into the corner now, small whimpers escaping reluctantly from his throat. His eyes were wide, but still oddly blank considering the way they were darting around.

“I came to tell him that a man was looking for him at the bar,” Ragnor spoke up. He had an English accent, and ordinarily, Alec would have found this fascinating but right now it was all he could do to keep breathing. “When I told him he freaked out, started mumbling things in what I guess was Bahasa. I don’t know what he was saying but the tone was easy enough to interpret.” He put a hand up to scratch at the back of his head, his face grim. “I think he’s caught in a flashback.”

A flashback? Alec had looked flashbacks up after... after. He thought he might have been having them. And it turns out he was; that there are different types of flashback and they can last anywhere from a few minutes to hours.

“How long has he been like this?” The question was out of his mouth almost as soon as he’d thought it. Ragnor shrugged in response.

“About half an hour, maybe? Less than an hour I’m pretty sure.” Damn, this one must have been intense. Alec’s own flashbacks tended to be mostly auditory: he could be doing anything at all and suddenly he could feel someone standing behind him, Mr Morgenstern’s voice whispering _‘good boy’_ in his ear. They never lasted all that long, although the panicked emotions that those two words brought up tended to stick around for a while.

“We need to calm him down,” Catarina spoke up. “I don’t like that cut on his head. How did that happen?”

“When I told him who was looking for him he fainted,” Ragnor replied. “He hit his head on the table. He was only out for a few seconds, but as soon as I’d gone over to check his head he woke up again and has been like this,” he gestured to Magnus, still huddled in the corner, “ever since.”

She nodded in response, her dark eyes scanning him. “Okay. He’s dissociating pretty badly. We need to try and bring him back to the present.” Her eyes shot towards Alec. “You,” she said curtly. Alec jumped. “What’s your bond like? Can you reach him?” He shook his head.

“It’s muted: almost non-existent.” Catarina nodded as if she had been expecting him to say that.

“What do you think, Cat? Should we just leave him to come out of it himself?”

“I would like to treat that gash sooner rather than later, it’s still oozing slightly. But I doubt he will let anyone near him, except possibly Alexander.” Alec felt his gut clench. Magnus was the only one who called him that. “There has been some research that suggests that people who suffer from PTSD and dissociate can actually feel the presence of their bond mates on some level. Perhaps you can try that?” She turned to look at him expectantly, and so did Ragnor, Jace and Izzy. He wasn’t sure what they wanted him to do. He couldn’t reach Magnus mentally.

“What do you think, Alec?” Izzy asked softly. He swallowed.

“The block is too strong; I can barely sense him at all. I don’t think I’ll be of much use.”

“Perhaps physical touch will help,” Cat suggested.

Alec couldn’t help the small gasp he let out. Not like this. Touching Magnus, it was supposed to be different. Not with one of them so incoherent that they couldn’t even recognise the other. He had only just started thinking about it as a possibility, something he may want to try someday. Today wasn’t that day, no way. Not when Magnus couldn’t give his consent. He could feel himself take a step backwards, his head shaking no.

“Alec,” Izzy said, her tone serious, and he just knew she was going to logic him into it. “You won’t know unless you try. You don’t have to touch him, but see how close he will let you get. Maybe just your presence will be enough for him to make his way back from whatever dark place he’s gone. You’re bond mates: you have to do everything in your power to save him.”

Damn it, she was right. He had to do something. He had overcome so many of his fears recently: talking to strangers, letting Magnus into his head, calling him on the phone when he felt something was wrong. He had done all of that today, why not just one more time?

So he took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as he could. Then he took a step towards Magnus, and another, keeping his pace slow and steady. He stopped when Magnus’ eyes snapped to his. The smaller man was breathing like he had just run a marathon. He was pale and sweaty, the gash on his head a contrast in crimson. His eyes were bloodshot, and also dark brown. Alec could distinctly remember that his eyes were a sort of yellowish green. What was going on? Did he have contacts in? Which colour was the real colour? Thinking back to their previous face-to-face encounters, he was sure that Magnus’ eyes had been green then as well. He would have noticed a change, wouldn’t he? Okay so he hadn’t ever really concentrated on what Magnus was wearing, but that was because he couldn’t stop staring at his face. He definitely would have noticed if his eyes had changed colour.

Magnus let out a stifled sob, and Alec was quickly brought out of his thoughts and back to the matter at hand. It didn’t matter what colour his eyes were, that was just superficial. What mattered just now was helping to bring him out of his flashback.

He was muttering again, and without the bond there to act as a translation Alec had no idea what was running through his soulmate’s head except for the obvious terror. Magnus’ eyes were still locked on Alec’s.

“Magnus,” he whispered, hoping that the others in the room wouldn’t hear. This was for them only. “Hey now, you’re okay. It’s alright, no one here will hurt you. I promise that you’re safe, everyone is safe here.” He spoke the words out loud and echoed them in his mind. He stood in front of the screen and spoke to it, running one hand across it and hoping Magnus could feel the effect on his end. He still wasn’t entirely sure how their bond worked: he had the basics, but he had heard Magnus chuckle and it still plagued him from time to time. It had only happened once, and Magnus had never spoken about it, but Alec was almost positive they had only scratched the surface. How he wished he knew how to reach Magnus on another level. Keeping his mental hand moving at a steady and predictable pace, like Izzy did for him occasionally, he let his head fall back and focused on his feelings of protectiveness and care. Perhaps he could telegraph them over the bond, even as weak as it was.

Suddenly he felt something in his chest. His mental-self saw the bond room shimmer and then, as if on autopilot, he let out a long, steady breath. And from his mouth came stardust. It fell upwards towards the grey ceiling, spilling outward as it made contact. The colour was indescribable, like no colour he had ever seen. It lay towards the cool side of the spectrum but was also simultaneously golden.

Then, as his breath ran out and his chest got tight he moved. He wasn’t entirely sure which direction he had gone, but the next thing he knew he was in a small, darkened room with no door. The only light source came from what looked like a crystal ball on a pedestal in the centre of the room. It wasn’t doing anything but spilling white-blue light onto the bare walls in complicated patterns that were somehow strangely familiar to Alec. He had the feeling that the ball should have something in its centre too, but that it wasn’t for him to see. He was watching a beam of light move steadily across the wall when he saw it: a darkened shape in the corner of the room. The beam hit it, and Alec saw dark hair and ratty clothes.

Magnus.

“Magnus,” he called softly, and the figure stirred. He walked closer, his steps still cautious. This was exactly like the situation in reality, except the others weren’t here. He called his name again and this time, he looked up.

His eyes were bloodshot and his face was stricken.

“Alec,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. He started shaking.

Alec stepped closer, hurrying to close the distance between them. He stopped by Magnus’ side, dropping to his knees so he could look into his eyes. As another beam of light hit them both, Alec saw that one eye was dark brown as it had been before he ended up here, and the other was the green he had first seen. The difference was startling, and so far from what he was accustomed to that all he could do for a second or two was stare.

“Alec,” Magnus whimpered again, his hands clutching at the arms he had wrapped around himself.

“Yes,” he replied. “It’s me, I’m here.”

“What’s h-happening?” Magnus’ teeth had started to chatter. The room was a little cool, Alec noted, plus the raggedy clothes that Magnus was currently wearing would be almost useless against the slight chill.

“You’re cold,” he said, changing the subject. “Here, I’ll give you my jacket.” Alec took the jacket he was wearing off and delicately draped it over Magnus’ shoulders. He was careful not to touch, shuffling backwards and kneeling up a bit as needed. Magnus let go of his arms to grip the edges, drawing it closer to himself and sighing. Alec thought he saw some of the tension in his posture ease slightly.

“What’s happening?” he asked again, this time without a shake.

“You’re having a flashback,” Alec replied, trying to talk gently. “I’m not sure where we are just now, or how we got here, but that doesn’t really matter. Physically we are in your apartment with Izzy, Jace, Ragnor and Catarina. You hit your head and you’re bleeding, but you’ve been lashing out whenever anyone gets close to you so no one has patched you up yet.”

“Lashing out?” His multicoloured eyes were wide and scared and oddly childlike. The way he was parroting Alec’s words back to him made him wonder: had he regressed into childhood? Perhaps the flashback was from back then, and so Magnus was acting as he would have at that age. Or maybe he was just loopy from the biochemical warfare his body was going through thanks to the adrenaline coursing through his system. Either way, Alec knew he had to be gentle.

“Yes. You’re scared because you think you’re somewhere else, and you think anyone that comes close to you is going to hurt you so you try and make them go away.” Magnus started shaking again. Alec was quick to reassure him. “It’s okay, everyone knows you wouldn’t hurt them on purpose. You’re just scared, we know that you don’t mean it. We’re just worried because we want you to feel better.”

Magnus started to cry, silent tears slipping from his eyes and falling softly from his nose as he hid his face in his arms. “Want to feel better,” he asserted quietly. Alec felt his heart breaking at the sight.

“I know you do. Flashbacks aren’t much fun.” His legs were going numb the way they were folded under him, so he shifted to sit cross-legged.

“Don’t go!” Magnus shouted, one hand reaching out and grabbing Alec’s t-shirt. Alec held his breath, his eyes locked on Magnus’ fist. The panic, no the absolute terror he should have felt at being grabbed didn’t come and that was almost as terrifying. But Magnus was audibly sobbing again, and all he could think about was taking care of him. He could freak out later when he was back in the real world when he was sure Magnus was safe. So instead he put his hand over his bondmate’s and rubbed soothing circles with his thumb.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you, that’s what being soulmates means. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, and I don’t ever want to. I promise you that you’re safe with me, and I’ll always be here. With you. Forever.”

Magnus was still watching him, studying him almost even as the tears still fell. Alec let him, though it made him uncomfortable. Magnus had to see for himself that Alec was telling the truth.

Eventually, after what could have been minutes or hours, Magnus let out a soft sigh and loosened his grip. Alec took a few deep breaths of his own, and couldn’t help thinking how proud of him Izzy would be if she was here. Evidently what they said was true: taking risks takes practise. It also helped a lot that this was purely mental: he doubted he could have remained this calm if this was actually physically happening to him. But perhaps this meant that, at least on some level, he was willing to try physical contact with Magnus.

“Do you think you’re ready to go back now?” Alec asked, still careful to keep his voice gentle.

“Back? To the real world?” Alec nodded. Magnus frowned a little as he thought, his eyes wandering over the beams of light before finally coming to rest on the crystal ball over Alec’s shoulder. “Yes,” he said, his eyes snapping back onto Alec’s. “If you stay next to me.”

“I promise. I’ll see you on the other side.”

And when Magnus let go of his t-shirt, Alec opened his eyes to the real world again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're back in reality. Magnus is feeling better, but Alec can't help but freak out a little...

APOV

The first thing Alec was aware of when he opened his eyes was Magnus staring back at him. He could see himself reflected in the dark depths of those eyes, and was struck again by the strangeness of it all. The eye colour issue, while not at the top of his list of priorities or relationship deal breakers, was something he knew he would be obsessing over for quite some time. He had to force himself not to think about it: there were other things to do first.

The second thing he heard was somebody calling his name. He was pretty sure it was both Izzy and Jace calling to him simultaneously. He wanted to respond, to tell them that it was okay, but he was still caught in Magnus’ gaze.

_Alec?_

**I’m here. You’re okay now.**

Magnus’ eyes left him to dart around the room, and the spell was broken. Alec had been crouching in front of his bondmate: balancing on the balls of his feet, forearms resting on his bent knees. As soon as eye contact was broken he fell backwards onto his ass with a whoosh of an exhale. He looked up to see everyone else in a loose semi-circle around them, all looking dumbstruck.

“How long was I out?” he asked, feeling a little lightheaded.

“About a minute,” Jace answered. “What the hell happened?”

Alec shrugged, glancing sideways at Magnus. “Something significant,” was all he said. It was all he could say.

**Will you be okay if Catarina looks at your head?**

_I think so. It hurts a little._

**You’ll be fine. It’s just a scratch. I’ll move out of the way to let her in, alright?** At the flash of fear in Magnus’ eyes and the rate of the phantom heart he could feel suddenly in his chest, he was quick to keep talking. **I won’t go far, I promise. I’ll just move to your other side so she can see properly.**

After another minute or two Magnus gave a reluctant nod and Alec manoeuvred himself sideways so he could lean against the wall. He looked up at Catarina.

“He’ll let you look at the cut now.” There was a strange look in her eye as she studied Alec’s face: if he had to guess, he would say it was awe hidden under a thick layer of suspicion. Despite that, her footsteps were sure as she walked over to her patient again. She had a small medical kit in her hand, and she laid it on the floor as she knelt beside Magnus much as Alec had done when he was... wherever he was earlier. A shared consciousness between himself and his bondmate, maybe. A middle ground that lay just beyond the ever-changing ceiling that was finally back to its rainbow hues. Alec felt like crying at the sight: it was so beautiful.

And then he _was_ crying. Really it was more like sobbing. He hugged his knees, trying in vain to stop the choked noises from escaping his throat as he hid his face from the others, but he knew from experience that it was utterly futile. This type of emotional storm had no plug to pull to make it all go away, all he could do was hold on and try not to drown in his own snot.

“Alec!?”

_Alexander?_

The various voices echoed around him both inside and outside of his head. The embarrassment that came from the knowledge that everybody here knew he was crying made it a thousand times worse. He needed to be alone, desperately needed time to get it all out and then clean himself up. He needed this to not happen in front of strangers and the man he liked a lot but really still hardly knew. Holy shit, what just happened?

Magnus had been the one to break down. Alec had been the one to pick up the pieces. Alec: hapnophobic, claustrophobic, human being avoiding Alexander Lightwood who was currently sobbing like a baby in somebody else’s living room. He didn’t know what or who determined bonded pairs, but he was pretty sure there had been a mistake made when it came to Magnus and him. They were obviously just as broken as each other and probably destined to fuck each other up. And not in a fun way, because Alec was pretty sure if anyone ever tried to touch him again he would freak out so badly he’d end up institutionalised.

He could still hear the voices surrounding him, what sounded like his name plus a few other words he just couldn’t concentrate on processing. All he could think about was the fact he was totally disgracing himself and there were people there to see it.

MPOV

Alec was crying. Magnus couldn’t concentrate on much, reality was still slowly shaping itself back around him, but this he could see clear as day. Alec’s brother and sister were clutching at each other, probably to avoid clutching at him, and their faces were stricken. Ragnor was standing uselessly in the corner, his attention flitting from person to person: Alec as he shook, the other Lightwoods as they called desperately to him, Catarina who was staring wide-eyed at the boy and Magnus himself, who was still too busy pulling himself together to be of much use. He better shape up fast, Alec’s thoughts were running rampant through Magnus’ mind and they weren’t all that pleasant:

**Stupid, crybaby, in front of all these people, fuck up, idiot boy! They’re all watching you and judging you and they’re all closing in, they’ll be touching you soon and you won’t be able to get away. Trapped, trapped and helpless and you look like a fool. Weak, weak, WEAK!**

“Get out,” Magnus managed to gasp at last. “Everyone get out!”

Ragnor, as comfortable with emotional outbursts as Alec was with touching, obeyed immediately. He spun on his heel and strode for the front door, leaving it open for the others to follow. Catarina needed a little more encouragement but eventually, she followed after Ragnor.

Magnus sighed as he eyed Jace and Isabelle. Their eyes were wet and their clasped hands were white, but the look on both of their faces was pure stubbornness. “We’re not leaving him.”

“Help me up, please,” he said, deciding to change tactic. He managed to get to his knees, but his legs felt so weak after the adrenaline rush had worn off that getting help to stand wasn’t _just_ a way to get at least one of them out of the room.

After a look that held a silent conversation Jace stepped forward to give Magnus a hand. Usually, Magnus would have told a dirty joke or made an inappropriate comment, perhaps let his hands wander a little as he leant on the blonde, but he was definitely not in the mood right now. It was a wasted opportunity and he knew it but decided the later regret would be worth it to ease Alexander’s suffering.

Magnus’ legs were pretty much like jelly. God, he was exhausted. He needed a cup of tea and a lie-down and something to keep his mind off the fact his father might be looking for him. He could feel his heart rate start to increase again, but concentrated on the feeling of Jace at his side. Magnus had an arm hooked over his shoulders, the other one clutching at his arm. If anyone should be feeling weak right now it should be him, not Alec.

Still, he needed to get the others out of the room.

“I know you want to stay with him. I do too. But please, he’s feeling crowded and embarrassed and he needs space to break down in peace. Please, help me outside so Cat can look at my head and then we can help Alec when he’s ready for our help.”

Nobody moved for a moment or two, and Magnus was starting to think he would have to physically remove them from the room. How he was going to do that exactly he had no idea. Maybe Cat could help; after all, she was fast and strong and fierce enough to take them both. Whether or not she _would..._ well, that was another story. Thankfully he didn’t have to go that far. Isabelle came around to his other side and helped Jace to get him into the hallway.

Catarina was sitting in the stairwell, still holding the medical kit she appeared to have taken from Magnus’ bathroom.

“Where’s Ragnor?” Magnus asked as the Lightwoods sat him down beside her.

“I sent him back to Pandemonium to make sure Raphael doesn’t burn the place down.” Magnus groaned.

“You didn’t leave him in charge of the bar, did you?” Cat shrugged.

“If you weren’t such a mess that you made yourself bleed, I wouldn’t have had to. Now shut up and give me your head, asshole.” She grabbed him by the jaw and manoeuvred his head into a better position before she reached into the kit and pulled out some antiseptic wipes. “You have blood all over your face and in your hair, you clutz.”

Magnus just let her do her thing. He was confident in her ability to keep him from dying from blood poisoning. Instead of sniping back about her fussing, he concentrated on Alec. The fear of being watched was less, but now there was guilt for making them all leave.

_You have nothing to feel guilty about._

**But I’m a wreck in your living room and you were all forced to leave because of me.**

_Hey, we’re bondmates. My house is your house and all that. This is the least I can do after you took care of me when I broke down. Really, if anyone should be feeling guilty it should be me. I mean, you wouldn’t be this upset if it weren’t for me._

**It’s not like you could help it...**

_Neither can you. If what you need right now is space to calm down, I will gladly give that to you._

There were no more words (or what passed for words when it came to telepathy) from Alec, but Magnus felt his gratitude and sent something back. He pictured it like an emoticon: a yellow smiley face, winking and giving Alec a thumbs up. It was ridiculous, and Alec seemed to agree because he heard the faintest chuckle echoing through his mind.

Confident enough that his soulmate would be alright in time, he switched his focus to the siblings. While he was distracted, Catarina had finished cleaning him up and attaching a dressing to his face.

“There. You look mental but you no longer look pale.” Magnus scoffed.

“I am always mental and never pale, my dear.” Cat just rolled her eyes.

“I’ll leave the hysterical one to you since you seem to have a good grasp of his mental state,” she said, getting to her feet and straightening herself up. “Don’t get the dressing wet, eat something before you go to bed, stay hydrated. Take a painkiller for your headache. Don’t fuck up again until tomorrow.”

“Where are you going?”

“Back to the bar to spy on the man that started this whole mess,” she said with a gleam in her eye. “Don’t you worry your pretty head about this guy. I’ll find out who he is and what his intentions are and, if necessary, I will... take action.”

The look that crossed her face then was one he had only seen once before; when Raphael had broken almost every bottle of alcohol behind the bar and nearly set said alcohol on fire. While a part of him was still freaking out, now that he wasn’t being blindsided by it, he found he was coping with the reminder rather well. He was still present at least.

“Thanks, Cat.” It would be nice to know if this guy was actually his father, and if so which one. He doubted very much that his biological father would look him up even if he did happen to know he had fathered a child and the thought of what the man who raised him would want after all these years was beyond his comprehension. He was thankful he wouldn’t need to be anywhere near this himself. If there was anyone he trusted to ninja their way around a shady customer then it was Catarina: Mistress of Shadows.

And then, with one last glance that seemed to sink right into his soul, she gave him a small nod and was gone.

She left silence in her absence, and it was only then that Magnus realised he could hear Alec’s sobs through the closed door of his apartment. Damn, but the boy knew how to cry.

“So who’s the man that started this?”

Magnus jumped at the sound of Jace’s voice: he had forgotten they were there. He looked up to see both Jace and Isabelle standing over him, both looking distraught and in desperate need of a distraction.

“I’d rather not tell you,” he replied quietly, not quite able to look them in the eye. Okay, so he was staring at his bare feet, same difference.

“I think we deserve an explanation, don’t you Izzy?” Magnus could feel himself cringing. Bad memories were now at the forefront of his mind, and this situation seemed all too familiar to the survivor in him. Sitting curled with his back against the wall and angry people standing over him...

“I think we need to keep from making him break down again,” Izzy replied. Thank God for this woman! She was so much more understanding than Mr Hotshot. “I can barely cope with Alec sobbing his heart out and not being able to do anything. If Magnus slips away again there’ll be no saving either of them.”

“It sounds like he’s being tortured in there. Why wouldn’t you let us stay?” It was official: Jace was wholeheartedly in protector mode. Magnus could feel another sigh coming on, but he managed to hold it off.

“Look, I can hear the nasty things he’s telling himself right now. I’m doing my best to counteract the self-destructive thoughts, but I’m exhausted and he is too. He needs a safe space to get it all out of his system, and I am willing to sit in the hallway in nothing but my comfy clothes and minimal makeup in order to give him that.”

Jace still looked sceptical and Isabelle kept glancing nervously at the door with every stifled sob, so he continued to try and reassure them both. “Even though it doesn’t sound much like it, the fear of being seen in such a vulnerable position and the guilt at essentially kicking me out of my own apartment has dissipated quite a bit, and now all he’s working out is the stress and confusion of the day. Possibly of the last few weeks,” he added as an afterthought. “I mean this bond has turned his life upside down and I don’t think he’s fully come to terms with it yet.”

Finally, Jace let out a sigh and relaxed from his defensive posture. He ran a hand down his face and then back up again through his hair. Loose strands fell into his eyes which he flicked away again with a practised ease. His eyes were misty; obviously feeling helpless wasn’t something he was used to. He was definitely a man of action.

Izzy came to sit beside Magnus on the step, taking Catarina’s place. She looked as tired as Magnus felt.

“I hate this,” she whispered, almost to herself.

“You can’t fix him,” Magnus replied. The look on her face wasn’t quite angry or frustrated, and it wasn’t quite guilty.

“I know,” she said, still _sotto voce._ “But I try to make things easier so that he can, if not _fix_ himself, at least patch his life up so he can function. He’s not the same as he was before, not by a long shot, and I’ve accepted that. It’s a fact. But as long as he needs my help I will give it to him.” Magnus nodded.

“Me too. You don’t have to carry him by yourself anymore. Not even if you wanted to.”

He expected jealousy and possibly a little resentment, maybe a little gratitude or any other such emotion. What he didn’t expect was for her to laugh.

“Oh, I never carried him,” she corrected. “I was just observant enough to learn how to lean on him to make him do things he didn’t think he could. That particular skill takes time and practice, and I’m afraid I’ll be doing it for quite some time yet. You better learn fast, because I will _not_ be talking him into having sex with you. That is a conversation I will not be having with my brother.”

Magnus couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. The scandalised look on Jace’s face coupled with the mental picture of Alec asking his sister to draw him diagrams was just too funny to contain.

**Oh my God, Izzy!**

_Don’t worry, we’re just playing around. How are you feeling?_

**Better. Can I use your bathroom to wash my face?**

_Sure. First on your right, the light switch is a hanging chord behind the door. The green washcloth on the shelf is clean, feel free to use that._

“He’ll be out soon, he’s just washing up.” Instantly the Lightwoods were outside the door, hovering anxiously. Magnus sent Alec a mental warning, which he acknowledged, and decided he would just stay where he was. He really was drained, and his head hurt. Maybe if he just closed his eyes it would stop throbbing quite so badly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec reappears, Magnus disappears and the most charming conversations take place at 4am.

APOV

He was nervous about opening the door. He didn’t doubt that everyone would be staring at him and knew for a fact that Jace and Izzy were hovering just a few steps away. He couldn’t help but cringe at the thought of them touching him right now, but he took a deep breath and tried to remember all the times they had restrained themselves in the past. This wasn’t the first time he had broken down uncontrollably, and it wouldn’t be the last. The two of them had witnessed more of his crying episodes than anyone else. He trusted them, he did, and he had to remember that he could trust them to know how to handle this type of situation.

He took another deep breath and then eased the door open.

The image Magnus had sent him was really accurate: scarily so. This whole sending-each-other-pictures thing was very intense but was also very helpful. So he looked to his left and saw the two of them standing there, their hands clasped tightly together. He felt another wave of love and gratitude at the sight: he knew he could trust them, and they were trying very hard to be trustworthy.

No one was saying anything, though, and it made Alec feel uneasy. Usually, he was fine with silence but this was different. This wasn’t comfortable. So he licked his lips nervously and said “hey.”

“How’re you feeling?” Jace asked, his voice steady though his eyes were shining. Alec could feel himself blushing, embarrassment creeping over him again.

“Better,” he said, forcing himself to keep looking up and not at the floor. He let his eyes dart over to Izzy who's face was lifted in a relieved smile.

“I’m glad,” she said, letting go of Jace. Jace didn’t look like he was quite ready to let go yet, but he took a step away from Alec anyway.

Alec let his eyes wander around the hallway. There was nobody else there: Catarina and Ragnor had gone, and Magnus was nowhere in sight. Alec swallowed. Where was Magnus? He needed to apologise properly for what had happened, and make sure he was okay. He had a faint recollection of Magnus forcing everyone from the room, and he was awed at the man’s ability to disregard his own pain. Then again, Alec had done the exact same thing for Magnus. It was shockingly easy to do when you were concentrating on someone else’s needs. But where was he?

“Where did everyone go?”

“The old guy split before we left the apartment,” Jace answered. “Something about going back to look after the bar. Then the scary lady followed after him once she had patched Magnus up.”

Alec glanced around again, but he still couldn’t see his bondmate. “Where is Magnus?”

Jace frowned. “He’s right over...” he trailed off. “Huh?” Izzy was frowning too.

“He was just there, on the steps,” she said, walking over to them. When she got there she let out a giggle. “Oh, he’s still here. He’s just asleep.”

Alec’s feet carried him over without a conscious thought. Sure enough, Magnus had his arms around his knees and was leaning against the wall, keeping him out of sight from Alec’s previous vantage point. His mouth was hanging open, just a little bit, and his breathing was slow and even. His hair was a mess, though, and it wasn’t helped by the large white dressing taped to his face. There was no blood showing through so it had probably stopped bleeding.

“Should we wake him up?” Jace was studying the sleeping man, but Alec shook his head. A quick look into the bond room showed that the screen was working again, and fatigue was plastered all over it.

“He’s exhausted. We should probably just put him to bed and let him sleep.” With a halfhearted shrug made to look like he didn’t care Jace complied, carefully scooping Magnus into his arms. The shorter man didn’t even stir.

“Get the door,” Jace whispered, and Izzy jogged over to open it for him. “Couch or bed?”

“Have you seen his couch?” Izzy whispered incredulously. “He’s short, but not that short.”

Alec walked past both of them to the end of the hall. There were two doors besides the one leading to the bathroom, one of them must be his bedroom. Feeling a little guilty Alec reached for the door right at the end.

 The large bed barely fit, not to mention the massive wardrobe. There was hardly any room, and Alec had to wonder if this was actually Magnus’ bedroom. Maybe it was a guest room. He didn’t really want to open the other door when Magnus wasn’t around to tell him if he could, so Alec figured a guest bedroom would do.

“In here,” he called quietly and stepped aside as Jace carefully made his way through the doorway with Magnus still out cold in his arms.

“Damn, this guy has eclectic tastes,” he said as he looked around. “Although that bed does look pretty comfy.” Alec had to agree. It was large and purple, with a mountain of pillows and silky sheets. Possibly satin, Alec wasn’t sure. It was definitely more expensive than his own simple cotton bedsheets.

“I’ll get the covers,” Izzy volunteered. Alec watched as Izzy pulled the bedding out of the way and Jace carefully set Magnus down before covering him up again. It was a touching scene: he was sure they would both make excellent parents some day.

Once Jace was satisfied with Magnus’s care he stood upright, letting Alec see his bondmate. He still had some makeup on, but Alec wasn’t about to suggest taking it off while Magnus was sleeping. He would just have to deal with his panda eyes in the morning, and Alec kind of wished he could be there to see it.

Holy shit. What was he thinking? He hasn’t even known this guy a month yet, and here he was thinking about spending the night! No, just no. He didn’t care about all of the bondmate ‘feels’ he was currently experiencing, he would be listening to his head and not his heart.

“Alec? You okay there?” Alec jumped at the sound of Jace’s voice. He and Izzy were staring at him worriedly.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” They didn’t look quite convinced, but they didn’t push the matter. Alec really did love them sometimes.

“Should we leave a note?” Izzy asked, her voice still quiet so as not to wake Magnus.

“We don’t have any paper,” Jace pointed out. Izzy just gave him a smug look and pulled a notepad and pen from Magnus’ bedside table. “Okay, but what do we write? ‘Hope you feel better after your massive freakout, hope Alec didn’t ruin your carpet with his tears, your friends all left you sleeping in the hallway, hope you don’t mind that Jace had to carry you to bed’?”

“We maybe won’t imply that his friends abandoned him,” Izzy said, her tone even. She started writing, speaking the words as she put them down. “You fell asleep in the hallway. Hope you feel better when you wake up. The Lightwoods.” She left the pad propped up against the lamp. “There. Short and sweet, just like him.”

“Oh, _gag_ ,” Jace stage whispered. “Let’s go: I don’t want to keep standing around watching him sleep. It’s creepy.” Without another word Jace stomped off to the front door. Izzy was quick to follow after him, although she gave Alec a loaded smile on the way past. Way to be subtle, Iz.

He couldn’t help but take a few steps closer despite, or maybe because of, the look she had given him. Magnus looked so sweet when he was asleep, Izzy had been right about that. Hair all out of place and incredibly soft looking, minimal makeup and no flamboyant mask of overconfidence. It felt strangely nice, even though Magnus was sleeping off a fear high and he himself was feeling pretty terrible.

Feeling like he had left Jace and Izzy alone for too long, he gave Magnus a small smile and then followed after them. Jace very pointedly didn’t say anything as Alec shut the door behind him.

~*~*~*~

That night Alec woke up afraid. Of what exactly he wasn’t sure; a remnant of the previous day’s stress, or perhaps the long remembered fear from his childhood. Either way he knew he wasn’t getting back to sleep. A glance at the alarm clock  showed him that it was almost 4am, so he slipped on a pair of shoes without bothering with socks and pulled one of his favourite hoodies over the t-shirt he used to sleep in. Trying not to make too much noise he pulled open his bedroom door and tiptoed down the hallway towards the grand staircase. He could hear Jace snoring at the other end of the hallway, but Izzy’s door was ajar. He couldn’t face her inevitable questioning right now, even though her concern would be legitimate.

Back when they had first moved into the Institutum, Alec had still been afraid of Mr Morgenstern coming for him. He had found lots of good hiding places, most of which he couldn’t quite fit into anymore, but had also meticulously checked every single lock on every single door and window in the house. Given how big the place was, and the fact he often did it creeping around in the dark scared out of his wits, it generally took him over an hour to feel safe enough to go back to his room. That’s if someone didn’t find him first.

Thankfully he had stopped doing that over the years: whether it was because he felt safer knowing Mr Morgenstern was in jail or because he had just grown up a little more, he wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter in the long run. The sleepless nights had turned him practically nocturnal, and since most days he couldn’t cope with going outside on his own he generally slept through the day. He felt useless, but the thought of getting a job terrified him so much he could barely breath just thinking about it. It wasn’t like he didn’t have rich parents to live off of or anything. That thought also made him feel like a massive waste of space, but unless there was a way for him to work entirely from home there wasn’t much he could do about it. Simon had suggested that he start a website or something so he could work online, but Alec really didn’t know that much about computers, and he knew even less about how to make money online. It would have to be some sort of service he provided that people would be willing to pay for, and he had zero ideas.

These thoughts plagued him as he continued down the steps and through to the back of the house. He didn’t need to worry about keeping quiet as much now: experience had shown him where the loudest creaks were likely to occur, and any he did set off were unlikely to draw too much attention. He made his way towards the sun room, a glorified conservatory that looked out over the hills at the back of the property. 4am was the perfect time to be here, just as the sun was rising.

Opening the patio door he stepped into the chilly morning air. The morning dew was heavy today: it coated every surface from the garden furniture to the grass. Alec kept going through it all, his feet getting soaked inside his shoes and his arms wrapped around himself. He focused on the stillness around him, on the birds that were already calling out to one another and welcoming the sunrise. He kept going to the very back of the property where there was a small, crumbling dry stone wall. Right in the middle was a large flat rock that had been exposed as the stones over it had fallen off. It was Alec’s favourite place to sit whenever he was in the garden: the woods on the other side of the wall had the attractive lure of freedom and anonymity he had craved in his younger years, plus the more domesticated trees that were scattered about the property hid him from the view of anyone at the house. Here, in this spot, he felt free.

 _Alexander_.

Well, he was almost alone. Something inside him dropped as he realised that this spot would never be just his again. It hadn’t quite hit him before now that the two of them were inseparable. All of Alec’s secret places, both mental and physical, were now known to another. He could never hide from Magnus, and that thought terrified him.

 _I can leave you alone if you want me to._ Magnus said, obviously having read the thoughts that were spiralling inside Alec’s skull. _I don’t want you to feel trapped with my presence. We already know that I can block the connection almost entirely: say the word and I’ll do that. Just, text me when I can re-open it. That way we can avoid another Stretch._

Goddamn it. Magnus was too good to him. Magnus was far too good for the likes of Alec Lightwood. He didn’t deserve this fucked up bond; they were both a little fucked up, and he was sure they would fuck each other up even more. Bondmates were supposed to build you up, but Magnus and him would end up tearing each other down. He liked Magnus, he couldn’t deny that, and his friend didn’t deserve to be saddled with him as a soulmate.

_Hey now, stop beating yourself up like that!_

Even though the words sounded like a scolding, the tone that was implied over their connection suggested that it was more of a chiding. That was good: Alec didn’t do too well with scoldings either. They tended to make him break down sobbing like he had done in Magnus’ apartment, especially if they came out of nowhere.

_Noted. See? This kind of thing will help us, not hurt us. I now know never to scold you, that’s a step forward._

**But we’ll just end up taking two steps back.**

_That, my dear Alexander, is called waltzing._

Huh. He had never thought of it like that before.

_That’s what being soulmates means to me. We may take more steps backwards than other couples on the dance floor, but that doesn’t matter because the point of waltzing is not where you’re going or how you get there, it’s about having fun together and not being alone. If you trip, I’ll pick you up and you’ll do the same for me. I’ll step on your toes and you’ll step on mine, and we’ll call it even until we learn how to dance properly._

That sounded nice. Alec hated dancing but that sounded nice. Magnus had a real way with words, especially when Alec was feeling sorry for himself. He guessed he had just tripped and Magnus had been there to pick him up, and now Alec didn’t feel all that awful anymore. Speaking of feeling awful...

**How are you feeling?**

_Better, thank you. How about you? Why are you awake at this ungodly hour?_

**Nightmares. I think. I don’t really remember.**

_So you decided to watch the sunrise?_ A picture formed in his mind. He guessed it was the sunrise from Magnus’ bedroom window. There were too many buildings to be able to see the horizon, but the sky was still a beautiful array of colours. Alec sent his own picture back.

**Yeah. I like it out here. The claustrophobia goes away.**

_Ooh, that’s pretty. I wish I was there._

**You are, kind of.**

There was a contented hum travelling the distance between them, flitting lightly along their connection. It felt almost like Magnus was purring.

And just like that, Alec wasn’t all that terrified of Magnus seeing into the private places in his mind anymore. Not if he could share the sunrise with him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus does his homework and ponders other difficulties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late, I know. I'm really sorry. I would give you the massive list of excuses but I've kept you waiting long enough.  
> I have no idea when I'll update again, there's a whole separate list of excuses on that front, but I will hammer out another chapter eventually.

MPOV

After the sun had risen he broke the connection, urging Alec to go back to bed and saying he would do the same. The truth is that Magnus could feel Alec’s curiosity building and he wasn’t ready to tell him the story of his origin. He wasn’t sure Alec was ready to hear it either. The poor boy had enough problems without having to deal with Magnus’ too. So what if that was just an excuse for him not to have to face his own demons? He was at least man enough to admit that even if Alexander was somehow ready to hear what Magnus had been through he wasn’t ready to tell it.

There was no guarantee that the man at the bar was who he said he was. No need to panic yet; he would wait for Catarina to get back to him and then decide how he would react. In the meantime, he needed a distraction and he figured learning more about Alec’s phobia would be killing two birds with one stone.

His laptop wasn’t exactly state of the art, but it was fine for his purposes. A quick search online told him that the fear of touch went by many names: haphephobia, aphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia and even thixophobia, which Magnus wasn’t sure he was pronouncing right. He wondered if Alec used any of these terms, or if he just called it a touch phobia or touch aversion. The phobia was like any other phobia it seemed: some people are born with it, but others develop it later in life. It could come up randomly or be the result of some sort of trauma. From what Magnus had been able to glean from Alec’s thoughts and reactions, as well as a few conversations with Isabelle, he thought Alec’s phobia was probably the result of something bad happening to him. Something clenched in his gut at the thought (not pity, he would never pity a fellow survivor). He hated that something bad had happened to his sweet Alexander, but he wasn’t one to talk. It seemed Alec’s self-degradation had been right in one regard: they were both fucked up.

This wasn’t what he wanted to think about. This was research. Shaking the dark thought away again, he looked into symptoms. A few of them were obvious: panic, extreme avoidance of touching, breathlessness, vomiting. All were typical phobic reactions. Magnus wasn’t sure which symptoms Alec had exactly: panic and avoidance, yes. Sweating too, he had noticed that. He had never been close enough to know if he had heart palpitations or not, but it was possible.

Although it wasn’t listed as a symptom Magnus remembered when they first met, how Alec had been almost totally mute. Bringing new people into his social circle had terrified him so much he couldn’t bring himself to say anything at all for months. He remembered the reaction when Alec had spoken to him. It was just that one word, but it slipped out so subconsciously that it bypassed his fear. That was what had given him hope in the beginning, however much the Lightwoods had warned him it shouldn’t. It turned out that a bond between soulmates really could make everything better like in the fairy tales. Of course, he knew that wasn’t realistic at all: Alec would still have panic attacks, and so would he. But if there was a way to bypass the fear, even just a little, it would still be a dream come true.

Looking back at the computer screen, he decided to keep reading. Surely the internet would have stories or anecdotes of people who had this phobia or were dating someone who had this phobia. Maybe there would be some good advice in there. After ten minutes of searching, he decided the internet probably wasn’t the best place to go for advice. Most everyone who claimed to be haphephobic said they became that way due to the death of their bondmate, and anyone who claimed to be dating such a person said that they felt pretty helpless and were asking for advice. Most of these posts only had a few comments, none of which were all that helpful.

There was one thing that caught his eye: most of these stories said that human contact (and sometimes even contact with animals) felt like it was burning them or like being scrubbed with rough sandpaper. Magnus thought back to the night they had touched fingertips to help them recover from the Stretch and felt himself blanch. He had felt sick as a dog thanks to the distance they had kept between them, but had it been even worse for Alec? He tried to remember what he had felt during the Stretch, and how Alexander had seemed afterwards. He remembered that the pain was intense and that it was bouncing back and forth between the two of them as the connection re-established. He didn’t remember any burning sensation at their joined fingertips and besides, Alec had been thinking of how attractive he’d found Magnus afterwards. That little mental commentary about his clothes had starred in more than one of his dreams. There had been a lot of nervousness coming from his bondmate that night, hell he had been nervous too, but he didn’t remember noticing either of them experiencing what these articles described. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to keep the assumption that Alec _was_ affected this way.

Sighing let his head fall into his hands. There wasn’t an awful lot of advice out there, so he and Alec would just have to figure out boundaries as they went along. He would have to be extra careful in this regard: once lost he wasn’t sure Alec’s trust could be regained very easily, if at all.

~*~*~*~

When Magnus tried to call Will to apologise for causing half the staff to disappear (and also for having to leave Raphael in charge of the bar) he was told in no uncertain terms not to set foot in the bar for the next few days.

“I don’t need to be worrying about you, Mags,” the man groaned, and Magnus felt a stab of guilt at the stress he could hear in his friend’s voice. “The paperwork in here has gone to pot since Thomas left us, my head’s in far too many places right now without having to keep an eye on you. Unlike our Kitty-Cat here I don’t have any on the back of my head I can spare.” There was a clattering sound, followed by a loud thump and an indignant Cat hissing: “I told you never to call me that!” Another few seconds and the sound of Will’s voice admitting defeat faded as Catarina picked up the fallen phone.

“That guy has been prowling around again, I wouldn’t show up if I were you.” Magnus took care not to let his breathing escalate. “I’ll follow him after he leaves, see where he goes. Maybe I can get a name or something.” He hummed an agreeable-sounding noise. “Talk to your boy,” she said suddenly, sounding almost kind. Damn, he must sound utterly pathetic to get that kind of reaction from Catarina. “Get your mind off it. Hell, tell him all about it. It’s not like you’ve ever told any of us. In this case, I think holding it in might be a little unhealthy.”

Magnus felt a familiar stab of guilt. He had never told anyone what happened after he had finished telling the police that night. His friends at the bar had never asked. “And just to clarify, we’re not asking you to tell us all about it,” she added hastily, and he felt himself relax slightly. “Not yet anyway,” she amended. “If I end up having to help you hide the body then I want to know who it is I’m burying.”

“Sure.”

“You’re too quiet. Go talk to your boy.” Then she hung up.

Sighing to himself he put his phone down. Cat was right, as she usually was. He knew holding it in was probably a little unhealthy, and since his past seemed determined to raise its ugly head he figured there should at least be one other person who knew what he was dealing with. The thought of telling his friends about it left a clenching sensation in his stomach: would they look at him differently once they knew? Probably not, his rational mind said. They all had their own dark pasts and although it was the unspoken rule between them that they never ask about it, if Magnus were to tell them what had happened he was sure that knowledge would be treated with the same respect. But since when has the mind ever been rational? Telling Alec’s friends was out of the question, he didn’t know them at all. No way was he bearing his deepest, darkest thoughts to near strangers. Alec himself, on the other hand... well, Cat had been right about that too. He needed to either distract himself or let him know what was going on. They were in this together, for better or worse. And if it should come to the worst, then it was better to be prepared.

The thought of having that conversation was still terrifying, though. So Magnus did what he always did when he knew he had to do something scary: he made a bet with himself. If Alec was brave enough to ask Magnus about his past, he would be brave too and tell him. If Alec wasn’t quite brave enough then Magnus would encourage him, gently. If Alec still couldn’t ask he probably wasn’t prepared to hear the answer, and so Magnus wouldn’t tell him. But he must then write it down somewhere so that should something happen Alec would still be able to get the whole story.

Feeling better now that he had a plan, Magnus got to thinking. What was the best way to tell this story? If he was going to tell it, and he was sure now he would have to in one way or another, he would have to get it into a cohesive order that wasn’t just snapshots of memories long repressed. Writing it down was the obvious answer: his thoughts were always easier to handle when he got them out of his head and onto paper. Plus he could use this as the note to give Alexander should the worst happen.

He looked around for some paper. There was a pile of printer paper on top of his dresser, but he couldn’t make himself get up to get some. He felt totally frozen to the bed, his laptop still humming beside him. Maybe he should just type it up?

But his mind rebelled at that idea. No, something emotionally charged like this should be written by hand. Typing was great, but not for this. Not for something personal that would make him so restless. Taking a deep breath he managed to stand up. Why was this so hard? It wasn’t like what he was about to write down wasn’t constantly running through his mind. So what if it had been contained behind walls of sheer force of will? It was still there, he knew this. He thought he had come to terms with it.

Taking another deep breath he let it out slowly. Okay, he could do this. It was the third contingency plan, it was doubtful anyone would ever see it. Without thinking too hard he grabbed the pen off his nightstand and about ten sheets of printer paper and marched himself to his special room, the one previously known as the master bedroom. If he was going to do this he needed as much comfort as possible. He needed the familiarity and soothing effect of the ritual.

He stopped dead just outside the door, his stomach plummeting. Oh shit didn’t quite describe the abject terror he felt as it occurred to him that this was another part of himself he would have to explain to Alec. It was one thing to share past traumas when you knew the person you were telling had similarly dark secrets of their own, but this was Magnus’, and his alone. It had nothing to do with what had happened to him against his will, through no fault of his own and despite his best efforts. Years of pep talks and the mandatory therapy he had been subjected to after that final, major incident had been able to show him that he was a victim, and more importantly what that actually meant.

This was different. It was, in some ways, much more terrifying. If Alec rejected him because of what his father had done to him... but he doubted that would happen. Alec was kind and understanding and was highly unlikely to hold anything about his past over his head. But what was contained within the walls of this room might clash with Alec’s own morals and beliefs. Thinking about it, he had no idea what kind of beliefs Alec held. Was he religious? An atheist? Magnus didn’t know and he should probably find out.

Life just got a lot more complicated.


	17. A Picture Says a Thousand Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not actually a chapter, but hopefully this will tide you over until I get back to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people.  
> This isn't really a chapter, and there may not be another chapter for a while. This is due to some life changes that are happening on my end, and I really don't have the time/energy/mindset for writing just now.  
> I do, however, feel pretty bad for leaving you all hanging. So here, you can have some visuals I made to go along with the story. When this idea came to me it was impossible not to write, and the same can be said about these images. They're not perfect, I have far too vivid an imagination to be able to get it down on paper accurately, but it's close enough.  
> There will DEFINITELY be more chapters but for now, this is all I have to offer. I hope you like it.  
> (I should also probably add that all the images used in these pictures were taken from google and used to create a transformative work. No copyright infringement is intended.)

Alec's Bond Room:

**[Find it here](https://www.dropbox.com/s/53aauluhnp5aep1/Alec%27s%20Room.jpg?dl=0) **

 

Magnus' Bond Room:

**[Find it here.](https://www.dropbox.com/s/spal016yjek4aym/Magnus%27%20Room%20Final.jpg?dl=0) **

Alec and Magnus at Sunrise:

**[Find it here.](https://www.dropbox.com/s/wstt5j5jg1hzjfz/sunrise.jpg?dl=0) **

  



	18. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec freaks out a little over his sudden bravery. Magnus gathers some courage himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it really been almost a year since I last updated this? Oops. Here, have almost 5,000 words as an apology.
> 
> I have now finished my university degree (that last year was the hardest thing I've ever done) as well as quitting my part-time job. I should have more free time now, though as any procrastinator will tell you free time is no guarantee that you will actually work. So I'll just keep apologizing in advance.

APOV

Magnus was fretting about something. Alec could feel him in his mind; a nervous, fluttery anxiousness that he knew wasn’t coming from his own brain. It was a quiet kind of anxiety, though. Not unlike his own fear of leaving the house by himself. It was something that was always just resting lightly at the back of his head like any serious thought would wake it up. It was the kind of anxiety you could mostly ignore until you couldn’t run from it anymore. Alec was quite used to feeling it in himself: he was even getting used to it coming from Magnus. This feeling had a slightly different timbre to it, though: it was a new worry, or at least something newer than the traumas of the past, but it seemed to go deeper somehow. Alec wasn’t sure what to make of it and decided he wouldn’t ask. It was most likely none of his business. Unless Magnus was worried about being his soulmate; but Alec had enough self-preservation to stop worries like that in their tracks. If it was important Magnus would tell him, he was sure.

Firmly pushing those thoughts out of his head he got stiffly out of bed. It was well past noon now, and despite being a night owl he never really liked getting up so late. The lack of sunlight was probably having an effect on him in some way. He glanced at the crack in the curtains that was spilling bright light across the floor. He should probably open that.

A glance at the alarm clock told him Jace and Izzy would be home soon, so he decided to make a late lunch. It was a very, very late lunch but they were always hungry when they came in and Alec hadn’t eaten anything that day.

When the door opened and the voices of his siblings broke the silence of the big house, Alec was just finishing the basic scrambled eggs on toast he had decided to make.

“I swear to God Iz if that guy calls me “John” one more time I’m going to hit him,” he heard Jace say just before the door slammed shut.

“I don’t know what to say, Jace.”

“I’ve told him a hundred times!”

“Rough day?” Alec asked as the two of them appeared in the kitchen doorway. Jace groaned dramatically before heading for the counter where Alec had laid out the food.

“My day was fine,” Izzy piped up, dropping her bag on the floor and following after Jace. “My work placement is going great. I only need a few more months of hospital experience and then hopefully I can get a job that’s better than Jace’s.”

Jace snorted, his mouth full of egg. “I have to deal with customers,” he mumbled, before swallowing and pointing his toast at Isabelle. “They’re bad enough, but you have to deal with sick people and their neurotic relatives. I’d take old Mr Hepburn misnaming me a thousand times over little Timmy’s mad mother, who is convinced that a cold is the first sign of the plague.”

Izzy shrugged. “Yeah, but then I want to work exclusively with dead people.” Jace snorted again.

“I love you, sis, but who in their right mind actually wants to work in a morgue?”

“I think dead people are interesting,” Izzy said nonchalantly, as she always did when Jace brought up the strangeness of her dream.

“I think you’ve been watching too many crime dramas. I’m serious Alec; stop letting her watch crime dramas. You’re her only hope.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Alec deadpanned before sitting with his own plate. He ate methodically; the crunching sound the toast made as he chewed was grating on him slightly. He could hear himself swallowing.

It was only when his knee hit the underside of the table that he realised his leg was jiggling up and down. He jumped at the noise, and so did Izzy.

“You okay, big brother?” she asked, looking at him worriedly.

He opened his mouth to say yes, of course he was, why wouldn’t he be? Instead, he said: “I don’t know.”

His gaze fell to the empty plate in front of him. There were a few crumbs scattered on its surface.

“Woz uhp?” Jace asked with a mouth full of toast. Alec shrugged, and Jace swallowed and put his serious face on. “No, seriously bro; what’s the matter?”

Looking up at his brother, Alec searched his eyes for the words to describe what he was feeling. “I’m… not sure,” he started. An encouraging smile from Izzy worked its usual magic, and his tongue loosened. “I just feel kind of agitated. I’m pretty sure it’s coming from Magnus; I think he’s fretting over something, and it’s making me feel restless. I’m not all that used to feeling restless, you know? It’s not like I ever have the desire to go out and do anything, but Magnus is kind of… social. He feels a lack of people, I think, and I’m kind of terrified that it’s bleeding over into my personality.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Jace said after swallowing another mouthful of food. “Soulmates don’t, like, blend together into a single consciousness.”

Alec sighed. He knew that, logically.

“I think something else is happening,” Izzy said. Alec glanced up at her.

“You do?” She nodded and then leaned forward on the table as she laid out her theory.

“I know you and Magnus can feel each other’s emotions. If he’s anxious about something it’s possible his feelings would be able to influence yours if you’re not careful.” Alec nodded. He knew that, and most of the time he could tell the difference between his feelings and his bondmate’s. “But here’s something else to consider: back before everything happened, you were kind of social too. It’s also entirely possible that Magnus is bringing out that hidden part of your personality.”

Alec scoffed. “What, you think he’s healing me?”

“No,” Izzy sighed. “I don’t think he’s healing you. I do think he’s good for you, you can’t deny that. But I don’t think he’s changing you. I think that soulmates bring out the best in each other, and I think this is your best starting to appear. I think you’re beginning to acknowledge that there’s more to you than just plain old scaredy-cat Alec; there’s beautiful, playful, adventurous Alec in there somewhere as well.”

He wanted to deny it. He was what he was, and it had taken years for him to be comfortable with that. He knew himself now, he didn’t want the parts of himself he had buried coming back up. He didn’t know how to deal with life as a normal person.

“Alec,” Jace said, reaching out and laying a hand on the table beside his brother’s. Alec felt a stab of gratitude for Jace, he always made it so clear that he would never cross Alec’s boundaries. “This is the next part of your life, bro. You don’t honestly want to stay this miserable forever, do you?”

Alec shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. No, he didn’t want to be miserable forever. The thought of happiness seemed so far away though; it was depressing just thinking about it.

“Don’t worry,” Jace continued, retracting his hand. “Life has a funny way of working out. Just go with the flow, roll with the punches. You’ve got us as your backup if you need us, but you’re stronger than you think. All you’ve got to do is start walking the path that’ll lead to the rest of your life, just one step at a time.”

Alec took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. Glancing up at his brother, he couldn’t help but joke.

“When did you get so deep, Mr Shallow?” Jace batted his eyelashes back at Alec.

“I dig deep for you,” he laughed.

~*~*~*~

 _Hey,_ _Alec._

Alec jumped at the voice in his head. He had been staring listlessly at the TV with Izzy, watching a crime drama much to Jace’s annoyance. Alec knew that secretly Jace was really proud of Izzy, but he would die before showing human emotion so easily. Alec suspected that particular habit was a result of his upbringing, although Jace never talked about it. Alec had never pushed, and Jace had returned the favour by never pushing Alec in return.

But Magnus was talking to him. He should probably concentrate.

 **Oh! Hey,** **Magnus. Just up?**

There was a certain tired quality to their connection that Alec noticed right away. They had been up pretty early and gone to sleep pretty late, so Alec wasn’t all that surprised.

_No, actually. I’ve been up for a while. Will and Cat have banned me from the bar until they figure this guy out, so I’ve been catching up on a personal project. I felt you waking up, so I thought I’d check in._

**Well,** **I have nothing better to do than try and keep the peace as Izzy, Jace and I watch TV. Sorry if I was making you feel restless, I’ve been a little off today.**

_I’ve been feeling a little restless myself. This project I’ve been doing requires a little energy boost anyway._

Alec wondered what project Magnus had going on. Was it something to do with what had happened the day before? He had a vague recollection of Ragnor talking about a man, and how Magnus had panicked when he had heard this guy was looking for him.

_I can hear you thinking, you know._

Oh shit. Embarrassed he said the first thing that came to mind.

**I can hardly ever hear you thinking unless you’re talking to me.**

_You must think loudly._

There was a fond feeling attached to that thought, as well as what may have been a mental shrug. Alec knew that Magnus didn’t know any more about how their bond worked than Alec did.

_And to answer your question, it’s always your place to know. Whether or not I’ll tell you right away is another matter entirely, but you always have the right to ask me anything you want._

There was a particular… feeling that came along with those words. It wasn’t quite a feeling, it wasn’t strong enough; it was more like a non-verbal tone. Alec had no idea how it was he could pick up the subtleties in tone when the communication method was technically non-verbal. It was like Magnus’ _“words”_ carried with them a certain atmosphere that Alec could pick up on. What that atmosphere implied was that Magnus wanted Alec to ask about his flashback.

It was now or never. Magnus knew what Alec wanted to ask, and was pretty much giving him point blank permission to do so.

**What happened last night? What caused your flashback?**

The mental sigh that Magnus let out instantly made Alec feel guilty for prying. He shouldn’t have pushed, Magnus had never pushed him. What had he been thinking?

 _Hey, I can still hear you thinking._ Mangus reminded him. _Stop feeling guilty, I asked for it. Literally. I have a plan in place for telling you, I_ want _to tell you about it. But it is hard. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to get this out._

**You don’t have to tell me, Magnus.**

_I do, Alexander. We’re soulmates. We’re with each other for better or for worse, and you’re the only person I would consider showing my worst to. And besides, should this particular situation come to something it’s much better for everyone if at least one other person knows the details._

**Your friend Ragnor said something about a man…**

_Yes. A man claiming to be my father._

Oh. Alec hadn’t seen that coming.

_I don’t know if he is or not, or what he wants or even who he could be. There are a couple of people who could call themselves my father. I doubt that it’s the man who I share genetics with; I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know I exist. Then there are the people at the orphanage; a couple of them took a particular liking to me, called me their son. Why they would be here in America, I don’t know. And of course, there’s my… well, step-father I suppose. I doubt that it would be him either; I think he’d prefer not to acknowledge my existence or just assume I was dead and be done with it. I had never really thought about it before, but he must be out of prison by now._

**Prison?**

He hadn’t meant to let the question out, and if they were talking face to face he would have been able to hold his tongue, but because this was all happening in his thoughts things were kind of tricky.

 _Yes._ Magnus replied, seemingly unfazed by the question. _He would probably have gotten the death penalty for what he tried to do to me, but there were a few loopholes and he was a prominent member of society so..._

Alec didn’t know what to say to that. His own experiences had seen a man in prison, but with the prison system the way it was it was unlikely he would stay there indefinitely. That was something Alec didn’t want to think about, and here was Magnus facing it.

**I understand that.**

_I know you do, Alexander. I suspect our circumstances had similar effects on us: your touch aversion stemmed from your own incident, didn’t it?_

Alec felt like he had been punched in the gut. It wasn’t hard to put together, and he knew Magnus was no fool, but hearing it from someone else was jarring.

 **Yes.** That one, quiet word was all he could muster.

_My father, my stepfather that is, gave me a parting gift before he was arrested. It was a fear of water._

Water? Alec got a sinking feeling in his gut. The turbulent quality of Magnus’ mental presence told him his bondmate was struggling.

 **Oh,** **Magnus. You don’t have to say anymore if you don’t want to, don’t push yourself too hard.**

There was a breath drawn somewhere beside him. Glancing around he saw that his siblings hadn’t noticed he was preoccupied. Izzy was totally drawn into the show, and even Jace had stopped pretending he wasn’t interested in the plot. Neither of them was sitting in the right place for that sound to have come from them, which meant he was hearing Magnus again.

_I need to get it out, Alec. It’s overflowing, I need to… please don’t hate me._

**I could never hate you!** Alec got the feeling that Magnus was crying now. **Magnus, you’re a wonderful guy. You’ve been so kind to me, so patient. I know from experience exactly how many people are willing to fight so hard to get to know me: it isn’t many. You have proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have my best intentions at heart. I want to do the same for you, and I will not stand for you thinking that I could ever hate you. It’s not possible.**

Magnus was definitely crying now. Alec felt bad, really bad, but it was a shitty situation and he couldn’t change it. That was up to Magnus, to either tell him what had happened or to not. He would be there for him either way.

_He was a great dad. He did all the things fathers were supposed to do. He loved me and I loved him. But that all changed one day, not long after my tenth birthday. My mother, she ended up hating me for being born. And so did my father. Because it turns out I wasn’t his biological son. I was the product of rape. My mother always hoped that I was my father’s son, but when I was ten she couldn’t deny it anymore. I don’t know if you’ve noticed Alexander, that my eyes are a funny colour?_

**I noticed they change from brown to, like, green.**

_I use contacts to hide it. I have heterochromia. Do you know what that is?_

**Different coloured eyes. Jace has it too, his left eye is blue and brown.**

_Mine is a little more extreme. My left eye is brown like my mother’s, but my right is that weird green colour. Supposedly I got it from my biological father. I had always wondered where it came from; my mother was Indonesian but my father was Dutch. He had blue eyes, and I knew the whole genetics thing. I could only have blue eyes if both parents had blue eyes, but any other colour would trump blue including green. I figured it must have been a throwback on my mother’s side, I knew it was possible green had been lurking in the background. But one day she couldn’t hide it anymore, she told us that her rapist had green eyes like mine. My father left the room without saying a word. I didn’t really understand what was going on, but my mother wouldn’t answer my questions and she wouldn’t even look at me. It was late, so I went to my room and hoped everyone would be happy again in the morning. When I got up my mother hadn’t made breakfast like she usually did. My father worked early in the morning and I didn’t usually see him. So I went to her room, but it was empty. And she wasn’t anywhere in the house. So I panicked, I thought maybe because of what she had said last night her and my father had gone away and left me by myself. I ran outside to see if I could find my father in the fields behind our house. That’s when I heard this noise coming from the barn. It was a creaking sound, and every now and then there was a bump. I went to investigate and…_

Alec could all but hear Magnus sobbing now. It seemed he couldn’t go on in words, but a picture made its way along their connection. Alec could feel himself start to cry at the image as well.

Inside the barn, swaying in the breeze from the open door, was a woman that looked a lot like her son. She was hanging by her neck from a rope looped through the rafters in the building, her face a horrible colour and her eyes bloodshot. It hadn’t been a quick death, she hadn’t broken her neck; she had suffocated.

**Magnus…**

_I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that._

Magnus was trying to retract the image but it was burned into Alec’s memory now too. Magnus had been ten years old when he found his mother’s body after she committed suicide.

**It’s okay. Well I mean it’s horrible, I’m so sorry you saw that.**

_That’s not even the end of the story yet. I’m not sure I can keep going just now._

**That’s okay. Take all the time you need, don’t push yourself. It’s your story to tell, tell it in your own time.**

_Thank you, Alexander. That means a lot._

**Do you feel any better now?**

Alec couldn’t really tell. Magnus’ emotions were hectic, swirling around him in the wake of his confessions. He didn’t know if they were the kind of emotions that would vanish when the dust settled, or if the negative emotions would settle around him as well. His own feelings were a little frozen, but he could deal with that later. He wouldn’t let his own feelings interfere with Magnus’.

 _I feel pretty rotten._ The reply was tired. Alec didn’t blame him. If he had just shared his own story, he would feel pretty rotten too.

_You don’t have to tell me your story, Alexander. This isn’t a quid-pro-quo thing, it was my decision to share because I feel it was the right time for me to share it._

**You’re always in my head, aren’t you?**

_I guess. From what I can visualise, it’s like this is the main channel that we use to communicate. It seems I also have an extra connection that links me directly to the thoughts you have when you’re worried or beating up on yourself. It’s like I have an extra alarm that tells me when you’re thinking bad things about yourself, and I have an emergency channel that lets me deal with that._

**So I’m more fucked up than you and you get extra privileges to deal with me?**

_No. It’s more like your brain is crying out for help, and I’m the only one who can hear it screaming._

**Why am I the one crying out for help? Why aren't you? You’ve seen some pretty terrible things, as we’ve already established.**

A mental sigh came from Magnus, and all of Alec’s sudden anger popped and disappeared.

**I’m sorry.**

_It’s okay, Alec. I know how much you value your privacy, this must really feel like a betrayal. I promise you that anything I happen to hear from your head that you haven’t consciously told me I will only ever use in your best interest. By that, I mean that I will stop you when you go on your rants of self-hatred, and if you have another breakdown like you did in my place I will use it to decide the best course of action. If you just need space I will herd your overprotective brother and sister out of the room. If I think that you might hurt yourself in any way I will stay by your side to make sure that you don’t. If I hear something I think someone else needs to know, I will encourage you to tell them. I will not tell anyone anything without your express permission, except perhaps a brief overview of your emotional state if your siblings are being stubborn. I will never give anyone details._

**I… thank you.**

_You’re welcome. It’s really the least I can do._

**I’m sorry I went off on you. You’re right, I’ve been shutting people out for so long and you’re suddenly here with much more access than I’ve ever given anybody. I didn’t even really give it to you, the universe or fate or whatever did. It’s like you just took it without my consent. Sometimes it feels like you’re more in my head than I am, and that terrifies me.**

_I’m so sorry, Alec. I’ve been trying not to pry too much, but I’m not entirely sure how to turn it off without shutting everything out and I kind of don’t want to do that again. I would give you more access to my head if I knew how, but honestly, I think the reason I can read you so easily is that no one else can. After the entire incident of my past, I ended up in an orphanage and then foster care. I had a lot of therapy, and while it was awful and I hated it, it did kind of help sometimes. I get the feeling you haven’t ever talked about it with anyone._

**Anyone I would talk to about it already knows what happened. There was a police report, and hospital records, and a court case. Everyone knows exactly what happened, pictures and all.**

_I see. Well, should you ever feel the need to talk about it with someone who hasn’t seen the pictures I’ll be here for you. You’ll get to tell it in your own time like you’re letting me tell my story._

**Thank you.**

_I better go. The Chairman is demanding I feed him._

**Best not keep him waiting then.**

Alec opened his eyes. He hadn’t even realised he’d closed them.

“Is he back now?” Jace was staring at him from across the room, and Izzy was watching him too. He felt a blush heat his face.

“Um. Hi.”

“Dude,” Jace said, a worried look on his face. “You were crying. And then you looked angry.”

“Just talking to Magnus,” Alec said, hoping that Jace would leave it alone. It was a vain hope he knew, Jace was never one to leave well enough alone.

“About what? What did he say to upset you?” Alec looked back at him. Magnus had told him he would never reveal Alec’s secrets to anyone unless he had no other choice, Alec wasn’t about to betray Magnus’ trust by revealing his secrets to Jace and Izzy.

“He was explaining his flashback.”

Jace studied him worriedly, and Alec inwardly sighed. After all was said and done, his brother and sister had stepped up their game in protecting him. He had begged them not to, had pleaded with them to not treat him any differently. That was impossible though, and Alec understood that they were physically incapable of not worrying about him.

After the trial was over and he had been forced to re-live everything that had been done to him, it was like he switched from survival mode into wounded mode. While the abuse had been going on he hadn’t shied away from people, although he wasn’t sure if that was due to Mr Morgenstern’s ‘training’ or not. After he was in jail, Alec had suddenly been unable to separate good touch from bad and it all became bad. His parents had moved them all away from the house Alec had grown up in and into this isolated manor house with too many empty rooms and no one around to hear him scream. He sometimes thought they did it so they could hide him away from the important people they often did business with. They had stayed for a few months after the move and then had left to tend to their careers instead of their children, leaving it all up to the employees that worked in the manor: the maids and the gardener.

They had not signed up for looking after three children, especially when one of them was so damaged. Alec had often heard the two maids cursing out his parents as selfish and cowardly, and Alec wholeheartedly agreed. They fed him and they clothed him and they made sure he did his homeschool work, but it was Jace and Izzy that talked him down from his panic attacks. Whenever he was forced to go out, it was Jace and Izzy who would stand on either side of him and stop people getting too close. They played with him while the adults were busy, told him jokes and made up games and let him feel partially normal even though they walked on eggshells most of the time.

When Izzy met Simon and their bond established, Izzy never threw it in Alec’s face. She went on like she normally did, except she didn’t take Jace with her when she went out. When Jace met Clary a few weeks later, Alec couldn’t help but worry about his own soulmate. Jace had such a hard time with his bond, and however often he tried to reassure Alec that he would never tell Clary anything that had happened in Alec’s past he knew that it was a promise Jace was unlikely to keep. He would never blame him for it, and now that he knew Clary better he trusted her to never bring it up. At least, not in his presence.

It was funny how much life had changed for him. He was leaving the house more often, he felt a little better in his own skin and he had even been the one to reassure somebody else through their own panic attack. Izzy was probably right; Magnus was good for him. He hoped he could be as good for Magnus.

“-lec?”

He snapped his attention back up to Jace. Oops. He hadn’t meant to get so lost in his thoughts.

“Run that by me again?” he asked sheepishly. Jace rolled his eyes.

“I said I won’t pry, but if he ever makes you uncomfortable you know exactly what I’ll do.” Alec rolled his eyes in return. He knew. He’d heard this talk before. Some things in his life hadn’t changed at all.


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night rolls around again, but Alec really doesn't want to go out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'm trying to get to the good stuff, but the good stuff doesn't seem to want to reveal itself just yet. The next chapter looks more promising for that, as soon as I can make it go down on paper and actually make sense. This story is definitely dragging its heels; bear with me, it will all come together eventually.

Magnus didn’t say anything more about his past after their little chat. Alec thought maybe he was waiting until after their next date, which was fine by him. He needed time to decide whether or not to reveal anything about his past in return. Magnus had told him he didn’t have to, but he couldn’t get what Jace had told him out of his head: the next step in the journey to the rest of his life. He trusted Magnus; that much was clear. There was just something completely likeable about him, something that felt so comforting to be around. It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was the kind of atmosphere that he could maybe talk about this stuff in.

Of course, he would have to actually leave the house in order for that to work, unless he could convince Magnus to come here. He didn’t think Magnus would mind coming here to talk, but Jace and Isabelle were sure to be hanging about being nosy and, in Jace’s case, overprotective. He had never spoken to either of them about what had happened, and he didn’t want to. They knew enough as it was.

He still hadn’t made up his mind by the time the Stretch started pulling at him. It was Izzy and Simon’s turn to babysit, and Alec wasn’t sure how to tell them that he really didn’t want to go out anywhere. It didn’t matter though, he supposed. Izzy was always telling him that he had to push himself a little harder and insisted that he go out at least once a month. Now that he had Magnus, she was likely to tell him he should go out for each of his dates instead of staying in for pizza and a movie or something.

Actually, that sounded really good.

But Izzy was sitting across from him at the dining room table and asking him where he wanted to go out to eat since it was apparently his turn to pick a place, and he better not say Benedetto's because really Alec, you need to broaden your horizons.

_Alexander._

Alec jumped a little. Izzy gave him a strange look, but it quickly melted into a smile when she realized what must have happened.

“I’ll go call Simon, let me know what you decide.” He watched her get up walk out of the room before turning his attention back to Magnus.

**Hi.**

_Sorry, I startled you._

Alec rolled his eyes. His bondmate wasn’t even trying to hide that he was laughing at him. For some reason that didn’t bother Alec at all, which was a little confusing, but it was Magnus. Somehow, that explained everything.

**I can hear you laughing, you know.**

_Haha, guilty as charged. I’m sorry but it’s funny when people get startled._

**Yeah, I guess.**

_What’s wrong, Alexander?_

Alec gave a bit of a sigh.

**My sister is just interrogating me about where we’re going for our ‘date’.**

_Sibling love._ Magnus chuckled again. _Something I missed out on in my early years, though I’ve got a few friends I consider siblings._

**They get better as you get older. Mine are wildly overprotective. And simultaneously make me do things I don’t want to do.**

_Like what?_

**Leave the house. Wear colours other than black. The first time we went out to** **Benedetto's she tried to put hair gel on me.**

_Scandalous. Your hair is perfect the way it is._

Alec blushed and was really glad that Izzy wasn’t there to see it.

**Umm, thanks. You have nice hair too.**

Holy shit. Did he really just say that? He wanted to bang his head repeatedly off the table but he knew if he did that Izzy would come back in to see what the racket was about.

_Why thank you, Alexander! I work hard on it. It’s nice to know my effort is appreciated._

His effort was definitely appreciated, but Alec would die before admitting that he actually found Magnus really attractive. Like, more attractive than he had ever found anyone else. He wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone but himself yet. He hoped that Magnus’ secondary channel that could read his mind hadn’t picked up that thought.

_So anyway, back to the topic at hand. Where are you thinking of going for our ‘date’?_

Alec felt his stomach drop a little. He really didn’t want to go out. He’d met his quota for this month, had tripled it actually, and he didn’t want to quadruple it. There were far too many people outside, too many for him to keep an eye on.

He tried to take a breath. His paranoia was really acting up today, he could recognize that, but knowing it was all in his head didn’t really help when leaving the house felt like he was a spy going undercover into enemy territory. He couldn’t fit in, and it was exhausting and terrifying trying to pretend he was normal; like he didn’t feel that at any moment his cover would be blown and he would be in enemy hands.

_You’re not feeling that great then?_

Alec could cry. Was no thought sacred?

_I told you I would never reveal your secrets. But to put your mind at ease, I can’t read your mind all of the time; in fact, most of the time I can’t access that secondary channel at all. It’s only when you’re thinking bad things about yourself that it kicks in. And if we’re talking like this, it’s really only the surface thoughts. I don’t even register them most of the time, it’s like they just kind of brush past me. But when your thoughts get heavy, they get heavier on my end as well. The heavier they get, the closer they get and the clearer I can see them._

**So, like, if I’m feeling stressed I think louder?**

_Something like that. It’s a little hard to explain, but that’s about right._

Alec still wasn’t sure he liked the thought; he felt most vulnerable when he was stressed.

Logically he knew that when he was stressed was when he could do with someone being able to read his thoughts and put into words what he was feeling when he himself couldn’t. Magnus would be able to tell why he didn’t want to do something without him having to explain and intervene when he got too deep into the darkness. Jace and Izzy couldn’t always tell when it was that bad.

On the other hand, it was also pretty likely that Magnus knowing what he was thinking and how he was feeling when he was at a low point might be too much for him. He was honestly afraid that Magnus being so in his head when he was feeling so vulnerable would feel like being violated. And he knew that Magnus would never hurt him, he _knew_ it, but that wasn’t enough. Not when he wasn’t thinking logically.

_Alec…_

**You heard all that, didn’t you?**

He wasn’t mad. It wasn’t Magnus’ fault any more than it was his. Right now he just felt resigned.

_I don’t know how much it’ll help, and honestly, this is an entirely new situation, but I want to reassure you that I do have tact. If you need me to be extra sneaky about what I hear when your thoughts get heavy enough for me to make them out, I will do that. My friends all have troubled pasts, so I have plenty of practice being around those that have seen the worst in life. Us broken people find a way to band together, it seems._

It was about all he could hope for. It was certainly all Magnus could give him.

**Thanks. I’m sorry I’m in such a bad mood.**

_Nonsense: I’ve been feeling a little cranky myself. I’m still not allowed to go back to work and I’ve never been particularly good at feeling useless. I’ve managed to convince Will to send me as much paperwork as he can, and he has complied mainly because he hates paperwork but also because he’s having to work really hard on every other aspect of owning a club without me. So I also feel kind of guilty. And then there’s the fact that I also hate paperwork._

**Yikes. Doesn’t sound fun.**

_It’s not. I need a good time. If you’re not feeling up to leaving your impressively sized house, how about a movie night? You pick a movie, our chaperones can get the popcorn and I’ll bring the booze._

**As long as it’s not cheap beer.** Beer was a bad idea in Alec’s experience.

_I’m more of a cocktail man myself. Martinis and Cuba Libres. Do you have a preference?_

**Whenever we all go out to a bar I’m always the designated driver.**

_You mean you don’t drink?_

**No.**

_Well then, I’ll pick up something else for you. What do you usually drink on these nights out? Coke? Orange juice? Cranberry juice from out of a wine glass?_

**Just coke, usually.**

_Well, I’ll pick up a bottle of that. I’m feeling rather Cuba Libre-ish myself, so that’s perfect. What about our chaperones?_

**Izzy likes vodka. Simon is actually a wine drinker, believe it or not. I don’t think he has a preference between red and white, but he hates** **rosé.** **We might actually have some here, let me look.**

His parents had never bothered locking their alcohol away, even when Jace and Izzy were going through their rebellious stages. They just had to pay to replace whatever they drank and do various chores with hangovers as a punishment. And since Alec wasn’t always up for going out, the Institutum had become party central on some nights.

The bar was in one of the many public rooms. Izzy was off in the main living room, he could hear her talking on the phone. From what she was saying about Simon, she was probably talking to Clary. He decided not to eavesdrop and went in search of his siblings’ alcohol, finding the bar down a flight of stairs and towards the back of the room.

As expected, the impressive display was only partially depleted. Certainly enough booze for a movie night.

**Yeah, there’s a couple of bottles of wine and vodka here already: I think some of this wine is even kosher, not that Simon keeps kosher most of the time anyway. So Izzy and Simon can help themselves to that. And if Jace shows up he can help himself to the scotch.**

_Oooh, scotch you say? Cuba Libres and a scotch for the road, that’s exactly what I need._

**You better not be thinking of driving while drunk.**

_Nah, I’m not a big fan of drunken wrecks. I can get a cab or a lift from a friend if any of them are feeling generous. If you’re not going to be drinking you could even drive me home. And if all else fails I seem to remember your house having a fuck ton of spare rooms where I can crash for the night: if that’s alright with you, that is._

**Sure, I don’t mind you staying here for the night.**

At least he didn’t think he minded. Having Magnus near could be good or it could be not so good, he wasn’t sure. But he was pretty sure as long as Magnus wasn’t sleeping too close to his own bedroom he would be fine for the night. Plus if he was really going to go through with telling Magnus about what had happened to him then the perfect time would be after everyone else had gone to bed, and possibly with a few drinks in him.

_Great, then I’ll bring a set of pyjamas as well. What time should I arrive?_

**Uh, five-ish? That’ll give us enough time to set up and order pizza before everyone gets too hungry.**

_Five it is. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way. I think I remember how to get to your house._

**Let me know if you get lost and I’ll organize a search party.**

_Haha, we’ll see. I’ll see you soon Alexander._

**See you soon.**

~*~*~*~

“What do you mean we’re staying in?” Izzy didn’t sound angry, just kind of taken aback. Alec had been doing really well with going out lately, and he felt vaguely guilty about letting her down. He didn’t feel like going out, and Magnus wasn’t even allowed to go to work because there was someone looking for him. Going out was not a good idea right now. He wasn’t sure if he should tell Izzy about Magnus’ issue with going out or not but figured he’d err on the side of caution and not mention it.

“I don’t feel much like going out, and Magnus agrees. So we figured we’d have a movie night here instead.”

Izzy studied him, and Alec resisted the urge to squirm.

“So what are we watching then?”

“I dunno yet,” he sighed, thankful that she was letting it go. And also in despair, because Izzy, Simon and himself all had different tastes in movies and he wasn’t sure what Magnus liked anyway. “He’ll be here at about five, so we can order pizza and stuff then. Simon can bring the popcorn and Magnus says he’ll bring the booze.”

“Booze you say?” Izzy brightened. Honestly, it hadn’t been that long since she’d gone out drinking last. “Well then, I guess this can be a good time after all.”

“The bar downstairs is still pretty well stocked, so I think Magnus is just bringing the basics. And some coke for me, since I told him I don’t drink.”

“You don’t have to be the sober one this time, big brother.”

“I know,” he replied. “I’ll think about it. But right now I’m trying to pick a movie that everyone will like.”

Izzy laughed at him. “Good luck with that, big brother. Good luck.”

Alec sighed as he watched her leave the room. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Then again, it was definitely better than going out. He would just have to make the most of it and try not to over think things.


End file.
